The year gratitude and year of feeling alone

I am grateful for all the good things in my life, like a roof over my head, food in my tummy, a garden of joy, that I do love, but this year I have felt alone, not in my relationship with Jesus, as in that sense I am never alone, and in many respects I have a deeper relationship with Jesus and knowledge of things and experiences  of heaven that have changed my life. So why do I feel alone, when I have had more going on with people.
Such as beginning the Campaign for an autism act for Wales.

I view the work I do as really important, given that I don't have 9-5 job, because of Aspergers Syndrome, In the past I used to get periods where I would feel alone and lacking friendship, but it often passed and I would not think about it for months until the next time.

But this year has been different it has been a pain that has gnawed against me in varying levels for at least 4 or 5 months from the last part of 2014, and I cannot seem to shake it.

In July I had a diagnosis of type 2 diabetes and have been on medication since, and I am grateful that I have lost 2 stone in weight since July, but alongside this I have had a situation where I have too many blood platelets,since October 2013 I have had to have 2 pints of blood taken, as treatment. As I am still a little needle phobic the lead up to these appointments is stressful. Having the blood taken for the blood test for the hospital appointment once every 3 months does not seem much on paper but I am quite stressed leading up to it, then recovering form it. But I do feel well for a period of time, then I feel unwell again.

I think also that I am a little worried because my Auntie Heather died of rampant myaloma in September 2013 and having a blood disease does beg some questions for me and this is probably part of why I feel alone, and the gnawing feeling inside me.

In general, I try to be happy and remember that there are plenty other people in worse situations around the world, but in my life I still feel the deep loneness which I cannot explain are truly understand.
I do feel alone about my future, but I also want to trust my friend Jesus to be the one, the only one who can sort this all out for me.

I truly want 2015 to be everything that Jesus wants it to be and that however I feel and whatever happens.
2015 will be a good year.

Christmas is coming

This Christmas more than any before, I truly want to reflect and meditate on the birth of my saviour in a humble, but very rich stable. Rich in love, Rich in care, and rich in knowledge of his heavenly Father
His coming into the world was and is of great importance, his life, G-d as man, living with us on earth, but not like us, although living with us.

This year has been difficult coping with a blood disorder found in October 2013, which requires blood being taken as a treatment, to reduce platelets to lessen the risk of blood clots. Then the arrival of type two diabetes in July this year, and having Metformin. Both these things have been an extra challenge, because I live with a level of anxiety, not fear or lack of faith, but just because of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum disorder).

However, on the other hand I have had much more going on spiritually, without having to try. I love Jesus with all my heart, and although I struggle to find ways to show this, because of A.S. and what it takes to just live, let alone help others or be a friend to someone. My heart beats with the heart of Papa G-d in prayer, I often don't have words because I feel the sadness of situations so deeply inside me, that all I can do is hold them gently in the deep place of my heart, and just encircle it with my love. No one will see the prayer, or even understand that it is prayer, but I know that it is.

My walk with Jesus has been quite different because of the way I experience the world. I used to feel guilty that I did not seem to be able to study the bible the way others did, and I used to spend hours in tears, regarding the things I knew were different about me, and I was not at peace in my life. It is only in very recent times that as I walked with and Listened to my friend Jesus that I have found greater peace, and a contentment with my situation, although I still experience the loneliness of living as I do.

This Christmas I will focus on the blessings and the gifts I now find I am able to do, like writing this blog.
A few weeks ago a facebook friend of mine sent through a grammar quiz, which I got totally right, and like these quizzes do they said that I was the one correcting others in school. This would not be amazing in general terms, were not for the fact that I went through school hardly able to engage with any lesson, and writing a decent grammatically correct piece of writing would have been the furthest thing from my mind or ability, during those years. Mostly I had to muddle through. It is the education received since leaving school going to FE college, then university, and the many hundreds of pieces of writing done since that have gradually taught me the grammar and how to write.

My life is what it is and I want 2015 to be everything that Papa G-d wants it to be in my life. I want to help change the world one small step at a time and full fill my destiny as I do it. For the Glory to come.