Things are changing everyday and life to the full is the goal

I surrender my heart to heaven, to who I am called to be from now on. To Love as Jesus loves, to care as more for others, including my mum, to love myself and know that I am worthy, no matter how I feel or experience  the world around me.
I know the brokenness in me, but I also see the brokenness everyday on the telly, fear and being afraid of what they do not trust, fear because all they trust, does not feel trustworthy so they have to fight and decapitate human bodies with no heart, no compassion and they have become less than human, less than what their creator, in whom they do not believe, actually created them to be before time began.
They are walking the path of the serpent, who has begiled them and caused so many to jump at and fight shadows.
Their dreams are not for gentleness, because down the generations and over the centuries, war, hate, vengance, has governed with brief respite at times and for fairly long periods, but always bubbling beneath the surface are the long held beliefs which tell another story, give another viewpoint, but still have the same belief. No matter what the belief, no matter what the story, and no matter how long the story has run in this world.
No matter what the battles, no matter what the whole of history says, the destruction will happen, but eventually there is only one winner, because he sent Jesus to die for us, even when we do our worst, Jesus did it all so we could be forgiven and Papa God would get back the really intimate relationship with his creation, with me and every other person of the billion number that inhabit this planet.
This is what Jesus death means is that should every person on this planet choose him and forgo their need to be right. Living gently, living kindly, Loving generously with that part of every person that is heaven made, and helped by God. Then and only then would this world be free, in total harmony, total peace. 
As the Human Race we have not used our free will well, choosing to listen to other voices which tell us a different story, paint a picture that is otherwise from that which Papa God desired.
Things are changing, heaven will be drawn to earth and the illusion, the fear about what is to happen to this planet, at this moment in our history will no longer be an issue. Earthquakes, typhoons,hurricanes, tornadoes, are because the majority of the planet are not living in harmony, with the land because they do not honour thier creator or the world that he made for us to walk with him and enjoy together. This is the better way, this is the fullness of life, this is our dream, if every person were honest and truthful this would be the dream they are looking for, but we cannot achieve this in our own effort. Only resting in his love will change what we see what is hurting this world, as we take, rather than give in service to the one who made it all

Focus group on Autism awareness at Welsh Government

What a day, but I enjoyed it.
There was a group of 14 people of varying age groups who were invited to give feedback on quiet rooms and viewing galleries in the Senedd, as well as security and x-ray machines and scanners.
The Welsh Government wanted feedback as to what was good now but also what they could do better.
It was a tiring few hours, but time that felt well spent.

I have always wanted to make a difference in the world, and will continue to do anything I can to make this world a better place for those on the spectrum like me, in as many ways as I can. I don't want to be governed by what I cannot do, but to find the things that I can do.

I really want to be the person I was created to be, that my spirit is who I really am and that I can be  something more in this world by letting Jesus shine his face through me, rather than me be visible.

I want the attractive face of Jesus to be the face that people see, and I want to be the called one into the glory of heaven, living on the earth but continuously connected to the realm of heaven living there and here at the same time.

I don't seek the noteriety of men, but it seems to be an offshoot or result of what I do. This has been true at times throughout my life and seems to be true now, and I am grateful for the kindness of people who care. 

Enjoying a day of nature in the Back Garden, which marks a change

Today was a very special day in terms of a blessing enjoying nature. For the first time in quite a few years the Michaelmas daisies were busy with an audible buzzing with bees from big queen bumbles to the smallest bumble the size of the nail of my little finger, plus Hover flies and solitary bees and other species of bee in abundance.
Then one  red admiral and one peacock butterfly joined the throng, to feast on the daisies.
Later we saw a small brown dragonfly, then a bigger blue green dragonfly joined it, while we sat on the lawn having a drink. As we finished our short chill on the lawn and walked in, I heard a frog croak, as did my mum at the same time, at which point we had a quick search to check it was not caught somewhere it could not escape from. A few minutes search revealed that this was not the case and things were replaced to return its environment.
During the time out watching bees we estimate there must have been at least a hundred bees when taking the veg garden, the flower borders, sedums, dahlias, and daisy border into account. We also looked at another frog that lives by the veg Garden, which we covered up after looking.
I also helped pick raspberries again with Mum(something safe to do now I have oil to spray on bare skin which stops critters biting me).
The whole day has been an enjoyable one, because of the wildlife, and it was all outside our back door.
Bees have also been quite sparsely spread over recent years, so it was with great gratitude that we endeavoured to take it all in and why I have included an entry to mark it.

I really enjoy our garden, and the things we grow, like leeks which did really well this year, and courgettes, the outdoor tomatoes have exceeded themselves with pounds of production over the season. Potatoes were not good to cook as new potatoes, so chips were the order of the day and roast potatoes, chips 3 times and roasts about the same.

This also marks the day in which I decide not just to live the length of my life, but also to fill out its breadth, I want to be someone who lived her life with extreme passion and closness to all that is heaven sent. I have always wanted to live my life well and do what God wanted of me, but sometimes failed because, I allowed the challenges of my life to overcome and define my life, but no more. I want to learn how to live, believing that the extreme breadth of life is there to be filled, as I walk the ancient paths with Jesus, my friend and saviour.Whatever it looks like I am not sure but I want to live my life with intention, when it comes to the Kingdom of heaven.

friends life and dreams 2

I don't want to be left at the end of my life, thinking that I have not lived life well and had an abundant life in Papa God's terms not mine.Because right now I do not feel I am, as a human being I have been defined by the fact that I do not have 9-5 job (perhaps in my own head/ but idea placed there) but I work through my days, even if they are not full days.
I feel the need for full acceptance of who I am, within the body of COBH, because I still battle with the idea that I am not accepted as I am,because if I was then things would be different or if I am then abandon me to get on with it, because I don't fit in with things.

I want to learn from people like Janey , justin and rachel, but they don't ever ask me to come round like they did in the past, but I don't feel as though they understand me or think that I am open to that.
The thing is that my deepest desire was for healing, and I litterally pestered God for years, wasting his time and mine, because when I eventually asked him what he wanted for me, he told me in very clear terms that.
What I am going to do is going to be done as is, how he made me.
That actually how he made me, is I was made shaped for heaven, as are many or all people like me, they just need to find Jesus. So I want to be accepted as I am, with the door open to papa God to heal if and when the time is right. The ball is in his court now.

So what I think I have been saying is that to achieve the freedom, I have in Jesus, I need to untangle my life from the need for friends that never transpire or the desire to be accepted by others when they don't know or understand what is going on in my head or my heart.

Also I can say with absolute truth, that any time I went to see people in authority in church either in the past or more recent times, I was asking because Jesus had said something or I knew something the Holy Spirit
had said to me needed to pass on and I never went with pompousity, but rather with innocence and humiity, as I was never highly regarded by most people who did not know me well(not a problem in gracegate). And yet I was pummelled down so often, that trust may still be an issue but if people keep yanking at the wound, even if they don't realise, they are part of the problem, but how to approach someone you trust, but still feel the tiniest bit uncertain about.
Papa Help me, Please.

Friends, Life, and dreams

My one and only closest friend is Jesus, and although I find this difficult at times, it is far easier than understanding what others require of me. I think that up till now I have tried to be the nicest,most accommodating type of person, and hung on too tightly to the idea of finding a friendship, or expecting a friendship, and feeling upset at times when I realise I don't have one.

A friendship with another person would be nice but, it is not essential to living, if people don't understand me that is not my fault, I am just being me, and not having a close friendship has defined me, at some points throughout my life. I cannot continue to keep putting my life on hold, hoping that I have friend who I can travel with, do things with. I have come to the realisation that I am wasting parts of my life, not living a wholly abundant life because in my head I keep thinking that I will meet someone who wants to spend time with me outside of meetings and church things.

That I would have someone to share life with from time to time, but I don't even have that, so I have retreated into the lifestyle I have right now (18-09-2014).

Just because I don't know how to negotiate these things, does not mean that I would not be a good friend to anyone. I would always be accommodating, if people said that something needed to happen, but so often people will just cut me off in conversation( I realise she had things to do, and she was busy, but a few seconds more was all I needed and I would not have had that sinking feeling, that goes with people behaving like that) like R.A did at I.C&PKD conference, that happens so often and makes life really hard. Perhaps all she can see is my limitations, but I want to be seen as Papa God sees me, as a person he entrusts with things. I see myself now as I am in heaven and it is beautiful, I now know I can fight for myself and the Kingdom of heaven, but I cannot do it separately or on my own, I need to be part of the team. I don't always want people to treat me as I am here in the natural.

I have wisdom in me but no place to give that out, I have the prophetic in me and I do have place to give that out. I truly, madly, deeply, deeply deeply want to move froward with Jesus, into the new way which is the old way. Years ago I saw myself in the new day and I have battled, against people who said you will never do that, or you are not hearing Jesus right, and maybe I wasn't but I needed to find out walking with Jesus, and I know I have not seen it yet. I am getting there it is close, but not yet.

The dreams I hold in my heart are maybe not with COBH, but I need to have the opportunity to find that out because they seem to ignore me just because I have Aspergers, or that is how it feels.

Nine days since NATO SUMMIT 2014 Departed

Many people don't want NATO in this world and in some ways I agree, but this is huge BUT, we need it as long as people cannot get on with each other and cease to live in peace and harmony, we need it.
NATO is not a war maker, it is more a war defender/protector from, but I know many will not agree, so I leave it there.

My  mum and I  only a mile away from the Celtic Manor Resort, so things started when I was woken on Wed 3rd Sept at 8.30 am by 2 helicopter gunships patrolling over head, which made three passes overhead during a half hour period. I have an attic bedroom  with VELUX windows so I was able to look out and see the guns and missiles underneath. This happened periodically for rest of the day.

Thursday 4th September was much the same with helicopters gunships and extra police heli activity waking me, early in the morning for me.

There was disturbance at night as the sheer number of people, media, security created a background hum throughout the night, which since then has meant a quiet that seems eary, which is strange as the M4 motorway is only a short distance away

On Friday Morning the helicopters were flying again, but Mum and I got up to watch the aircraft flypast at
8-45 am , so I was not disturbed that day. I had the benefit of being directly under the flight path of the aircraft and I had the Red Arrows fly over my head, while standing in my own home garden, amazing and something I will never forget.

During the lead up to the summit I took loads of pictures of the ring of steel security fence on the A449, on  the M4 Chepstow Road, and the Sunday 7th after it finished we went up catsash road and I took pictures of the security fence and where it left the road to encompass the 2010 clubhouse where I think Barak Obama was staying.

We watch all the news coverage and also we say the cars used to shuttle the heads of state being transported away and one of the tanks and flooring it rested on being driven along the M4 a few
 days later.

Nato summit and life over two days of History

As the first of the two day summit recedes into the night, I reflect on the lead up to this day. When I heard the news announced on the ITV Wales news in October last year. I knew it was big, not just on the ground but in heaven. I witnessed it in my spirit then, and can feel the power flowing, as I write this. As a watch keeper on the east gate of Newport, I have held the whole thing in my heart, not a day went by that I did not hold it close to my heart, and treasured  the priceless chance that has come our way.

War is not the issue here, as my God is doing something bigger, more amazing, who knows what is happening in the spiritual. I can believe for some very exciting things that will change the world for the better. Islam is not the issue either, it is more the mindset and what people hold in their hearts.

As human beings there is little to separate us other than every person is an individual, the separation into different social, cultural groups only happened  after Adam and Eve, and the mindsets and beliefs that we have are what governs our lives.

Islam is complex and misinterpreted even by those who profess to understand it, so many of the extreme things that have taken place historically, started because of arguments between two people or judgements based on things pasted down by word of mouth, that may have had no basis in reality, or was misinformation to actually cause trouble.

I know what I think and I know what I believe now is different to what I believed two months ago,because I am changing and growing, but what does not change is the core belief that this is a created world, however it was created is not the issue, big bang because the big bang needed to be created.

Mosab Yousef Hussan (Son of one of HAMAS founders) talks of people in Islam jumping and fighting against shadows over what they believe, but in the west we jump at shadows regarding creation vs.darwinism because as a society people are so desparate to prove that there is no God, and yet still want to have faith in something stable and unshakeable.

Fear is fed where fear is bred, usually when what used to work, no longer does, anger unresolved breeds hatred and further misunderstanding.
What is happening down the road will not change men's mind's or their hearts, because only my father in heaven can do that
I personally, now dream of big changes through prayer and doing stuff that will help to free this world, so we don't need war, right now we all need NATO, but one day things will be different.