The year gratitude and year of feeling alone

I am grateful for all the good things in my life, like a roof over my head, food in my tummy, a garden of joy, that I do love, but this year I have felt alone, not in my relationship with Jesus, as in that sense I am never alone, and in many respects I have a deeper relationship with Jesus and knowledge of things and experiences  of heaven that have changed my life. So why do I feel alone, when I have had more going on with people.
Such as beginning the Campaign for an autism act for Wales.

I view the work I do as really important, given that I don't have 9-5 job, because of Aspergers Syndrome, In the past I used to get periods where I would feel alone and lacking friendship, but it often passed and I would not think about it for months until the next time.

But this year has been different it has been a pain that has gnawed against me in varying levels for at least 4 or 5 months from the last part of 2014, and I cannot seem to shake it.

In July I had a diagnosis of type 2 diabetes and have been on medication since, and I am grateful that I have lost 2 stone in weight since July, but alongside this I have had a situation where I have too many blood platelets,since October 2013 I have had to have 2 pints of blood taken, as treatment. As I am still a little needle phobic the lead up to these appointments is stressful. Having the blood taken for the blood test for the hospital appointment once every 3 months does not seem much on paper but I am quite stressed leading up to it, then recovering form it. But I do feel well for a period of time, then I feel unwell again.

I think also that I am a little worried because my Auntie Heather died of rampant myaloma in September 2013 and having a blood disease does beg some questions for me and this is probably part of why I feel alone, and the gnawing feeling inside me.

In general, I try to be happy and remember that there are plenty other people in worse situations around the world, but in my life I still feel the deep loneness which I cannot explain are truly understand.
I do feel alone about my future, but I also want to trust my friend Jesus to be the one, the only one who can sort this all out for me.

I truly want 2015 to be everything that Jesus wants it to be and that however I feel and whatever happens.
2015 will be a good year.

Christmas is coming

This Christmas more than any before, I truly want to reflect and meditate on the birth of my saviour in a humble, but very rich stable. Rich in love, Rich in care, and rich in knowledge of his heavenly Father
His coming into the world was and is of great importance, his life, G-d as man, living with us on earth, but not like us, although living with us.

This year has been difficult coping with a blood disorder found in October 2013, which requires blood being taken as a treatment, to reduce platelets to lessen the risk of blood clots. Then the arrival of type two diabetes in July this year, and having Metformin. Both these things have been an extra challenge, because I live with a level of anxiety, not fear or lack of faith, but just because of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum disorder).

However, on the other hand I have had much more going on spiritually, without having to try. I love Jesus with all my heart, and although I struggle to find ways to show this, because of A.S. and what it takes to just live, let alone help others or be a friend to someone. My heart beats with the heart of Papa G-d in prayer, I often don't have words because I feel the sadness of situations so deeply inside me, that all I can do is hold them gently in the deep place of my heart, and just encircle it with my love. No one will see the prayer, or even understand that it is prayer, but I know that it is.

My walk with Jesus has been quite different because of the way I experience the world. I used to feel guilty that I did not seem to be able to study the bible the way others did, and I used to spend hours in tears, regarding the things I knew were different about me, and I was not at peace in my life. It is only in very recent times that as I walked with and Listened to my friend Jesus that I have found greater peace, and a contentment with my situation, although I still experience the loneliness of living as I do.

This Christmas I will focus on the blessings and the gifts I now find I am able to do, like writing this blog.
A few weeks ago a facebook friend of mine sent through a grammar quiz, which I got totally right, and like these quizzes do they said that I was the one correcting others in school. This would not be amazing in general terms, were not for the fact that I went through school hardly able to engage with any lesson, and writing a decent grammatically correct piece of writing would have been the furthest thing from my mind or ability, during those years. Mostly I had to muddle through. It is the education received since leaving school going to FE college, then university, and the many hundreds of pieces of writing done since that have gradually taught me the grammar and how to write.

My life is what it is and I want 2015 to be everything that Papa G-d wants it to be in my life. I want to help change the world one small step at a time and full fill my destiny as I do it. For the Glory to come.

Without War and conflict we could......... ? part 2

As a person who desires peace and security for all people, it is sad to see the larger conflicts around the world, but it becomes all the more of a tragedy at an individual level, with  things like domestic violence, lack of security when travelling, the battles between neighbours, bullying at school.

I personally, find the thought of travel abroad a greater challenge, because I am on the autism spectrum, which means I find it difficult if something expected was to change, like a cancellation,so I have never travelled on an airline jet to anywhere, but  I have always wanted to travel, but do not feel capable of doing this. Many people have travelled many times and regard it as their right to have a holiday.
I did have the offer to go with my dad, when he was alive, but at that time I did not have the autism diagnosis and the idea of coping with that was just too much for me at the time, as my dad had health issues and poor eyesight as well, due to macular degeneration which started when he was quite young.
Right now I feel as though I should have taken the chance then, because travel has more limitations and rules on it because of terrorism, and as a law abiding citizen with Aspergers, not being able to take all that I would need for a holiday skincare,sun protection for even a short trip somewhere would have some difficulties attached.

I am very thankful for Britain's security services, for the men and women that keep us safe, and work at what must be a very difficult job, and one that seems to get bigger every day, but I wonder how they would feel if thier jobs disappeared because they were no longer needed. Yes, they need jobs, and yes some may enjoy them, but terrorism gone, the need for war gone, no-one fighting for thier particular belief, because there is no need for it anymore. The chase for power and control at any level, as an individual or as a group and the greed for what is a man made illusion, in the form of money. Money is money whether the amount is invested in art or gold bullion and anything that man chooses to put a value on only has value, as long as the majority of the planet's population says it does, either passive inactivity and ignorance or by taking part in the game.

 The many big financial organisations around the world are living in a mirage that lets them believe that they are in control, but they cannot continue to behave the way they have up till now or it will all come tumbling down around thier ears at some point. So where is the money that all these wealthy people are hanging on to  and how much better would the world be if it was shared around.

Without War and Conflict we could................? part 1

No-one mentions the money the world spends on war and conflict, but I do wonder what kind of world we would have if we did not "need"!! to fight over the planet's division between us.
Independence from one another based on difference of world view or some physical difference, what is the point of fighting to keep the thing that we own, which someone wants to take off us just so they can have more.

For over a decade during the 1990's, academics trumpeted that the UK was going into a leisure lifestyle, then war came and nobody mentioned this idea any more, why? because the money that was going to furnish this transition was swallowed quite literally into the pit of war. I know our boys believed in it and fought through with painful outcomes, and lost limbs, and today 58 people injured by a bomber walking into a volleyball game in Afghanistan. I don't know what soldiers think as individuals, but it must be hard for those who did fight to see these things happening.

The majority cause of conflict is fear of what we do not understand the differences between us, the beliefs that say something about our history, no matter where we live, no matter what culture we come from.

There are diseases bad enough to finish off the human race, and yet war continues, power and desire to control, whatever we feel we own.

I know the world has gone mad and is getting darker, but I stand for what is right and true, as I stand for heaven and what that stands for in my life.

We could build hospitals, schools, have a better health service, more healthy lifestyles, less or no poverty.
What is the point of war and conflict and what does it achieve?!

Passing bells and Wilfred Owen's Anthem of Doomed Youth

The past has gone and we cannot change it, but to remember, is a thing that restrains and brings resolve.
1914 - 1918 was a time that we would like to forget in general terms, BUT we don't forget because it is seared into Great Britain's memory. Why remember? well equally the question Why forget ? because if we ever forget or lack respect for the thousands who did, then we are close to it happening again. It's memory keeps us humble, reminds us that we are not invincible and that war is not a good thing, that we should not rush into war.
In recent times we have seen the cost of war for our boys in Afghanistan, and although a different kind of war, the outcome for them as individuals has been an ongoing reality that I find in one way inspiring, but in another way I dislike the fact that it had to happen.
In 14 - 18 our boys believed in what they were doing initially, but I wonder what those who survived to the end thought and what their conclusions were. The youth of many fighting is something I have come to understand. Many the age or younger than my nephew, now 18, mainly because they  lied about their ages.
So we remember because we don't want war, and children must not fight, as we are seeing now in Iraq.

Using children to fight when they don't understand what they are getting into, even if they believe they will be martyrs, is just as bad as the Nazi concentration camps, is not the way of civilised society or compassionate society.

So this armistice day we will remember the ones who never made it home and know that we will never forget as long as it is in our power to remember.

A version of the truth part 2 - My truth

As I look around me and see the sadness being caused by people who are afraid, whatever they believe, which is not in peace and harmony with G-d, the G-d of the bible, whom I believe created me.
Many people say religion has caused most of the problems in the world, and on many levels I have to agree, because people made judgements and took actions that went against what was actually being said.
This is happening today with extreme Islam, they place the whole of western society in the same bucket, believing wrongly that the free attitude to sex, dress and alcohol practised by large groups of people, is by any means true of every person. They have  chosen hot to see, because they hate things that were done in the past.

Living by rules, living by an intellectual faith that does not connect with the heart of a man, woman or child is dead. This is why we are struggling with extreme islam, because people who's minds are already messed up are brainwashing people into what they believe. This is true all around the world, with any Extremist Islamic group whatever thier name or affiliation.

I have walked with Jesus for many years and I choose to be happy in him. I choose to believe that I am protected by him behind the veil of his presence in my life, and I choose not to be afraid of Ebola, or Islam and say that I choose Joy and Love no matter what, because I do not want to be part of anything other than the kingdom of G-d.

My heart, and not my mind, is the important thing to connect with Heaven, and I want to walk with Jesus and change the world for the better, to have a heart on fire with his love, his joy his peace and his love, because that is who I am and this is what I am called to at this time in History. 

Politics and the human mind cannot overcome  what goes on in  this reality, only G-d, only Jesus, and with the help of the host of heaven will things change.  

A version of the truth part 1

In the 21st century we are living with off the shelf ideals and handpicked religion that has no respect for truth, and only lives for this reality, unless they are putting themselves to death as martyrs for a god and future that they fear would be worse for them.
I will never know the answer, but I wonder what the people who did get to the other side feel and what is their experience there. Death is not as it has been understood in the past.
This flesh made body does give up, and go to another place, but our spirit lives on, and it is the choice of where the spirit lives on, that we are choosing when we choose to accept Jesus. I know that people I love live on in heaven.
I feel the sadness and tragedy of families who's teenagers are going to Syria to fight, they are choosing the path to an end that will only destroy, and end in wailing and tears.
The world is in conflict because there is just hatred and the desire for power, over any person who can be under the thumb of another person.
I know that anyone persecuting the church around the world, is being driven by all that is evil, and they are afraid that what they believe is, whether cultural religion or faiths of different kinds, may not be the TRUTH or the truth that they believe.
At this time in many parts of society there is a belief that there is no such thing as the TRUTH, that there is no moral absolute or governing principle that guides our life, unless you have a faith  that truly works for you and means something to the person, rather than just a thing to do socially.
It is complex and sad because right now things could change so quickly and in amazing ways, if people believed in Jesus, and dropped the arguments of centuries, and decided to live in unity.
Reality and truth are not what man decided, it is what our creator decides. He loves this world and he loves his children, his whole creation, and if we all really understood this then the world would be a different planet, this would be a different universe.

My experience of forced change

2013/2014 have been difficult because of health. I have blood that produces to many red blood cells, which meant that I had to have a pint of blood taken this summer as therapy. This was stressful because in 2004 I had pancreatitis due to gallstones and was in hospital for ten days on drips etc not of which was easy.
Then July 2014 I was found to have type 2 diabetes. Both these require 3 monthly blood tests, which is stressful for someone who does not like needles and has autism. Also because I was not diagnosed with Autism at the time of my hospital stay I found that it has left me with a kind of post trauma stress thing that adds to my difficulties when coping with all this. Also I often don't feel really well, and I do sometimes wonder because my auntie heather died of myloma in sept 2013. I am not accepting that this will be the same for me, but I still wonder in the back of my mind sometimes.

I want to make the best use of my life that I can, inside my mind but the life I lead does not seem satisfactory and feels like I am wasting time at some level, and yet I struggle to do even the basic, plus mum feels that I don't do enough to help around the house, so I feel guilty for not helping which does cause friction, especially when we are both stressed, although this happens less, I have to live in a clutter around the house that I cannot change because Mum won't let me help, so I retreat to my craft and writting
Forced change has meant we don't have a dog, since sassy died in Sept 2010, I used to walk her everyday, but I don't like going out walking on my own now as it hurts to be reminded she is gone, but walking has been difficult since I had insect  bites in  July 2011 or 12, that made an existing achilles tendon injury flare up and has caused alot of pain and wieght gain, that lead to the type 2 diabetes???

Life has been difficult and in many ways full of Forced change for me since the beginning of the 2000's, but the last few months have been spiritual forced change and I think that this is why I am going through a difficult patch is because forced change is happening, right now in my life.

 Even loosing my Job in 2005, and having a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome, although good in it's outcome was a type of forced change that was a transition psychologically that I am still coping with because of everything that is going on with Benefit changes in the natural and being in the position of not having the availability of jobs suitable for me in 2005/2006. So even if I wanted a job, I feel there is less chance now than there was then. Plus it was not my choice to not have a job, the Job centre told me there were none available for my particular needs.
Besides I would need a certain amount of healing both psychologically as the ongoing damage of failure has left its mark, whether my fault or not and physically because of all the above, I don't feel capable of working.

Dreams of dreams and Maturity in the Kingdom

For 3 decades I have held the picture of me in the future, on a stage with a microphone in my hand, a supernatural experience I had in 1987, and which I share with my mum who had the same picture about me in 1987, People have said that the things I am doing in relation to autism campaigning etc are a fulfillment of this picture. But I can still remember how it felt, and I have not come to the experience of how that felt, so I am still holding that picture in my heart. Also  That Picture plus another one I  have had within the last 2 months, the two are joining together and beginning mingle, why I am feeling the way I do. This is why I am feeling more certain that picture from 30 years ago.
It is one of my dreams to see this fulfilled.
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My next dream/desire is to achieve maturity in the kingdom, and the way that I.C most often teaches is taking another person through the journey into the mystery of the walk with G-d, but I always struggle because I know I am not ready for that yet but, I cannot even see the possibility in my life, because I don't socialise very easily and when I do I just sit in rooms full of people, and I never have a conversation, because I have difficulty that way.
I also feel whether, this is a lie from the enemy making me have false thoughts, which I think is the case. I feel that because I don't pursue healing  for Aspergers, and make an effort to change that I have been left to get on with it, especially, Most people around me in COBH don't know I am on the spectrum and I often feel isolated in the group, but I feel called to COBH, but it costs me to go to the meetings as I often feel this way, but I cope with it with Jesus Help.
How am I ever going to get to maturity if I have to struggle with coping with meetings, and with feeling Isolated when I need friendship, but don't know how to get it anymore. I rest with Jesus who is my biggest closest friend, but I really desire someone who is friend that I can discuss with the things that I find I difficult in life.
This has nothing to do with being alone, or not having any one notice if I was gone. I don't mind being alone with my own company. It is more some one who has the time to get to know me and I get to know them,
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The situation I find myself  in this last couple of months is to do with some change that is happening in me and I have felt vulnerable, since Mum and I went for a meal with Peta Condon (Aus)in June 2014. Infact this may be the reason why I am having a difficult time. It actually feels like a butterfly that is struggling to emerge, after being a caterpillar. That I am changing and I feel tender because I am being changed in quite a radical way. I am not sure what the result will be like but I know it will be different
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Loving Jesus from the deepest Place

I have had a difficult few days but I am still  loving Jesus from the deepest place in me. The challenges of health, living with Aspergers are ongoing but I still have the hope of better things, even when there is disappointment or sadness, feeling weak in the middle of a world where war and conflict is manifesting in so many places, where Ebola in western Africa has been left, because it is "over there" and seemed not to have mattered, even though we are a modern world with aeroplanes, let alone the idea of an attitude that says "Africa does not matter, until it affects us in the west", and the fact that Medicines Sans Frontieres was  asking for help in February, because it was already out of control.

I see these things and I declare what I want to happen, it takes time but it happens, and although I was frustrated, I knew that if people in the western world got the idea it would affect them, then I knew something would happen, but I also hold it in my heart that this will only be overcome by what humans do on the ground and prayer for protection of the people who are going to do something about it.

In the deepest place in me I know that I am in G-d and he is in me and whatever happens he is looking after me. Even when I feel like I am alone and I don't have a human friend or a husband I have him and he is everything, and all, even though I still struggle with the lack of these other things day to day my hope rests in Papa G-d, for all the difficult things that I see on the news and I know that I am in him and he is in me.

Learning to love Jesus and other people has been a long and at times, difficult journey that I am still contending with even though the people around me now are kind to me , and may not realise this is the case.
But I still love Jesus and know that I am in him and he is in me and I have the future me to come to the present. I am known in heaven, I have seen my heaven self. I am tall, robed in armour that Glistens with a translucent quality,but is colourful beyond description, and the sword I am holding is scary and looks like it could kill a few demons in one go.
So even though I feel weak, tired and out of sorts I know that I am in him,He is in me and nothing can separate me from him.

My time is nearly here for my future self to be manifest in the earth and this is why I am having a difficult time like a caterpillar transforming to a butterfly, you are going through a transition, where you will be all I have called you to be Karen. 

Views Opinions and thoughts

Anyone who has read the last two entries in my blog may feel that I am getting at someone or trying to infere that one group or other is at fault.
This is not the case and I just wanted to make things clear that I have no axe to grind with Israel/Jewishness or Islam although I am more than upset at what is happening in other nations. I hold these places in my heart and tenderly pray from the centre of my being for all that is taking place in these days.

Please understand that if my views or anything I have written does not agree with other veiwpoint or causes offence that was not my desire. freedom to express a view is what I have the ability to do and I value it, but niether do I want to missuse it.

And now to another entry

The Blessing has come and teaching from the Jewish Nation Part 2

Although I knew about holocaust denier's, I never understood why they even existed, when fact and proveable numbers of people went missing and also all the piles of shoes,suitcases and clothes left in the camps. I understood that Jewish people would be upset and fight for their futures.
But I understand more now as I have been taught of heaven, I realise it is offensive to say that these things never happened,  and it cuts to the heart, because where are they?, what happened to them?, if they were still around, they could be visited?, but they cannot because they are gone.
My understanding of these issue, is that a survivor knows what it was like, they know the terrible truth, they went through it, so any denial from anyone who becomes nasty about it becomes personal to an individual, because this was thier future, thier dreams and thier Hopes Lost, because one man got it into his head that the Jewish nation, were responsible for J---s death on the Cross, unbelievable as many did not even believe in J---s was the messiah at the time and that was a good enough reason to try and get rid of them.
The more I learn, more I feel the Heart of G-d, the more I understand the loss of the past, and the ongoing effect in the present day. Because Israel fights to remain free, and others fight for what they believe to be freedom, but may actually destroy the world trying to achieve it, as people out of control have no limits, but for the ruler of this universe is the one who is in control.

I love Israel and I have spent many years praying for and holding them in my heart, but I also love the Arab nations who are struggling with the situation in Iraq,

Real freedom to be the people we were created to be is the only freedom that works, when real unconditional love is mixed in, people walk around in peace and harmony, rather than listening to voices from another place, which creates fear of the unknown and hatred of others they do not understand and judge the majority as representative of the whole population.

Freedom is only freedom when it is not misused or abused as it is by some who think that certain dress is OK, yes we have our own issues, but there are people who recognise these issues and are trying to address them. Judgement always brings difficulties, and causes conflict and we are going through this right now at this point in History. Only my G-d can change it.

The Blessing Has Come and teaching from the Jewish nation Part 1

As I think of Sian's story I am totally amazed and as I read the blessing I am amazed. It is marker from Heaven, and I know very little about what it means to the future. But one thing I do know is this, that we need the knowledge and  understanding of  the Jewish community, as the other half of the story, they hold a depth of  understanding that will enrich the Body of the Church.

I know in my heart that things need to start to change within the church and the understanding needs to grow between the Jewish and Christian communities, around the world.
The diabolical attitudes of anti semitism, need to be seen for what they are, untruths, lies and jelousy/ hatred, which have no place in the truth and love of heaven

I am not going to get into the arguements, because I do not see the need. What I see and what I understand from the way Papa G-d has been talking to me through  the TV films "Rememberance of Love", and " Never Forget", as well as through the prophetic and other people's stories, I can see a theme arising and I feel the heart of G-d for his people. He wants us to work together, he wants justice for his people, both Arab and Jew. I can feel it arising within me and know it to be true, while at the same time, there is suffering and battle ahead, but the bible says of G-d "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" and he is the one in control.

Papa G-d has revealed by his hand regarding the situation with Islam. I can see the fear and the anger that resides in the heart of men who believe in the faith that generations have lived long before them, but the "Christians" of the past went after both Jews and Arabs and fought them and killed indiscriminately down the centuries.
 Many of the things they did, were done because they were blinded, and making the wrong choices, Just as today radical Islam has grown out of fear that what they have faith in is no longer working, and they are listening to evil voices that encourage this behaviour.
The relationship between Jews,Arabs and Christians, has been manipulated by myth, theology and untruths over many generations.
As Christians revelation and truth is being revealed and gradually things that were done, like the crusades are being repented of and individuals are saying sorry.
Israel is between a rock and hard place, because it has to fight for its freedom,because of it's past, and its desire that NEVER AGAIN, will they loose thier freedom to be, and then people see the ARABS  and start condemning Israel, there are issues regarding what Arabs who are radical want to do to Israel.
Just imagine for a moment that the Caliphate happened to Israel, a nation that has in the past experienced the total hatred of a nation, that herded them like animals in to trains, took them to the gas chambers, and experimented on children and adults in ways that we cannot bare to think of. Israel know it would be like, because, to say yes to a caliphate, would be the end of freedom for them.
I realise that the Arab nations were educated and civilised long before we were in britian, and possibly the rest of europe, but that does not mean that we would be happy to live in a caliphate, because that is not freedom or democracy. We have had to fight hard down the centuries for our freedom to be.
Dictatorships run amock without any regard for compassion and Justice and that is Why Israel fights.

Things are changing everyday and life to the full is the goal

I surrender my heart to heaven, to who I am called to be from now on. To Love as Jesus loves, to care as more for others, including my mum, to love myself and know that I am worthy, no matter how I feel or experience  the world around me.
I know the brokenness in me, but I also see the brokenness everyday on the telly, fear and being afraid of what they do not trust, fear because all they trust, does not feel trustworthy so they have to fight and decapitate human bodies with no heart, no compassion and they have become less than human, less than what their creator, in whom they do not believe, actually created them to be before time began.
They are walking the path of the serpent, who has begiled them and caused so many to jump at and fight shadows.
Their dreams are not for gentleness, because down the generations and over the centuries, war, hate, vengance, has governed with brief respite at times and for fairly long periods, but always bubbling beneath the surface are the long held beliefs which tell another story, give another viewpoint, but still have the same belief. No matter what the belief, no matter what the story, and no matter how long the story has run in this world.
No matter what the battles, no matter what the whole of history says, the destruction will happen, but eventually there is only one winner, because he sent Jesus to die for us, even when we do our worst, Jesus did it all so we could be forgiven and Papa God would get back the really intimate relationship with his creation, with me and every other person of the billion number that inhabit this planet.
This is what Jesus death means is that should every person on this planet choose him and forgo their need to be right. Living gently, living kindly, Loving generously with that part of every person that is heaven made, and helped by God. Then and only then would this world be free, in total harmony, total peace. 
As the Human Race we have not used our free will well, choosing to listen to other voices which tell us a different story, paint a picture that is otherwise from that which Papa God desired.
Things are changing, heaven will be drawn to earth and the illusion, the fear about what is to happen to this planet, at this moment in our history will no longer be an issue. Earthquakes, typhoons,hurricanes, tornadoes, are because the majority of the planet are not living in harmony, with the land because they do not honour thier creator or the world that he made for us to walk with him and enjoy together. This is the better way, this is the fullness of life, this is our dream, if every person were honest and truthful this would be the dream they are looking for, but we cannot achieve this in our own effort. Only resting in his love will change what we see what is hurting this world, as we take, rather than give in service to the one who made it all

Focus group on Autism awareness at Welsh Government

What a day, but I enjoyed it.
There was a group of 14 people of varying age groups who were invited to give feedback on quiet rooms and viewing galleries in the Senedd, as well as security and x-ray machines and scanners.
The Welsh Government wanted feedback as to what was good now but also what they could do better.
It was a tiring few hours, but time that felt well spent.

I have always wanted to make a difference in the world, and will continue to do anything I can to make this world a better place for those on the spectrum like me, in as many ways as I can. I don't want to be governed by what I cannot do, but to find the things that I can do.

I really want to be the person I was created to be, that my spirit is who I really am and that I can be  something more in this world by letting Jesus shine his face through me, rather than me be visible.

I want the attractive face of Jesus to be the face that people see, and I want to be the called one into the glory of heaven, living on the earth but continuously connected to the realm of heaven living there and here at the same time.

I don't seek the noteriety of men, but it seems to be an offshoot or result of what I do. This has been true at times throughout my life and seems to be true now, and I am grateful for the kindness of people who care. 

Enjoying a day of nature in the Back Garden, which marks a change

Today was a very special day in terms of a blessing enjoying nature. For the first time in quite a few years the Michaelmas daisies were busy with an audible buzzing with bees from big queen bumbles to the smallest bumble the size of the nail of my little finger, plus Hover flies and solitary bees and other species of bee in abundance.
Then one  red admiral and one peacock butterfly joined the throng, to feast on the daisies.
Later we saw a small brown dragonfly, then a bigger blue green dragonfly joined it, while we sat on the lawn having a drink. As we finished our short chill on the lawn and walked in, I heard a frog croak, as did my mum at the same time, at which point we had a quick search to check it was not caught somewhere it could not escape from. A few minutes search revealed that this was not the case and things were replaced to return its environment.
During the time out watching bees we estimate there must have been at least a hundred bees when taking the veg garden, the flower borders, sedums, dahlias, and daisy border into account. We also looked at another frog that lives by the veg Garden, which we covered up after looking.
I also helped pick raspberries again with Mum(something safe to do now I have oil to spray on bare skin which stops critters biting me).
The whole day has been an enjoyable one, because of the wildlife, and it was all outside our back door.
Bees have also been quite sparsely spread over recent years, so it was with great gratitude that we endeavoured to take it all in and why I have included an entry to mark it.

I really enjoy our garden, and the things we grow, like leeks which did really well this year, and courgettes, the outdoor tomatoes have exceeded themselves with pounds of production over the season. Potatoes were not good to cook as new potatoes, so chips were the order of the day and roast potatoes, chips 3 times and roasts about the same.

This also marks the day in which I decide not just to live the length of my life, but also to fill out its breadth, I want to be someone who lived her life with extreme passion and closness to all that is heaven sent. I have always wanted to live my life well and do what God wanted of me, but sometimes failed because, I allowed the challenges of my life to overcome and define my life, but no more. I want to learn how to live, believing that the extreme breadth of life is there to be filled, as I walk the ancient paths with Jesus, my friend and saviour.Whatever it looks like I am not sure but I want to live my life with intention, when it comes to the Kingdom of heaven.

friends life and dreams 2

I don't want to be left at the end of my life, thinking that I have not lived life well and had an abundant life in Papa God's terms not mine.Because right now I do not feel I am, as a human being I have been defined by the fact that I do not have 9-5 job (perhaps in my own head/ but idea placed there) but I work through my days, even if they are not full days.
I feel the need for full acceptance of who I am, within the body of COBH, because I still battle with the idea that I am not accepted as I am,because if I was then things would be different or if I am then abandon me to get on with it, because I don't fit in with things.

I want to learn from people like Janey , justin and rachel, but they don't ever ask me to come round like they did in the past, but I don't feel as though they understand me or think that I am open to that.
The thing is that my deepest desire was for healing, and I litterally pestered God for years, wasting his time and mine, because when I eventually asked him what he wanted for me, he told me in very clear terms that.
What I am going to do is going to be done as is, how he made me.
That actually how he made me, is I was made shaped for heaven, as are many or all people like me, they just need to find Jesus. So I want to be accepted as I am, with the door open to papa God to heal if and when the time is right. The ball is in his court now.

So what I think I have been saying is that to achieve the freedom, I have in Jesus, I need to untangle my life from the need for friends that never transpire or the desire to be accepted by others when they don't know or understand what is going on in my head or my heart.

Also I can say with absolute truth, that any time I went to see people in authority in church either in the past or more recent times, I was asking because Jesus had said something or I knew something the Holy Spirit
had said to me needed to pass on and I never went with pompousity, but rather with innocence and humiity, as I was never highly regarded by most people who did not know me well(not a problem in gracegate). And yet I was pummelled down so often, that trust may still be an issue but if people keep yanking at the wound, even if they don't realise, they are part of the problem, but how to approach someone you trust, but still feel the tiniest bit uncertain about.
Papa Help me, Please.

Friends, Life, and dreams

My one and only closest friend is Jesus, and although I find this difficult at times, it is far easier than understanding what others require of me. I think that up till now I have tried to be the nicest,most accommodating type of person, and hung on too tightly to the idea of finding a friendship, or expecting a friendship, and feeling upset at times when I realise I don't have one.

A friendship with another person would be nice but, it is not essential to living, if people don't understand me that is not my fault, I am just being me, and not having a close friendship has defined me, at some points throughout my life. I cannot continue to keep putting my life on hold, hoping that I have friend who I can travel with, do things with. I have come to the realisation that I am wasting parts of my life, not living a wholly abundant life because in my head I keep thinking that I will meet someone who wants to spend time with me outside of meetings and church things.

That I would have someone to share life with from time to time, but I don't even have that, so I have retreated into the lifestyle I have right now (18-09-2014).

Just because I don't know how to negotiate these things, does not mean that I would not be a good friend to anyone. I would always be accommodating, if people said that something needed to happen, but so often people will just cut me off in conversation( I realise she had things to do, and she was busy, but a few seconds more was all I needed and I would not have had that sinking feeling, that goes with people behaving like that) like R.A did at I.C&PKD conference, that happens so often and makes life really hard. Perhaps all she can see is my limitations, but I want to be seen as Papa God sees me, as a person he entrusts with things. I see myself now as I am in heaven and it is beautiful, I now know I can fight for myself and the Kingdom of heaven, but I cannot do it separately or on my own, I need to be part of the team. I don't always want people to treat me as I am here in the natural.

I have wisdom in me but no place to give that out, I have the prophetic in me and I do have place to give that out. I truly, madly, deeply, deeply deeply want to move froward with Jesus, into the new way which is the old way. Years ago I saw myself in the new day and I have battled, against people who said you will never do that, or you are not hearing Jesus right, and maybe I wasn't but I needed to find out walking with Jesus, and I know I have not seen it yet. I am getting there it is close, but not yet.

The dreams I hold in my heart are maybe not with COBH, but I need to have the opportunity to find that out because they seem to ignore me just because I have Aspergers, or that is how it feels.

Nine days since NATO SUMMIT 2014 Departed

Many people don't want NATO in this world and in some ways I agree, but this is huge BUT, we need it as long as people cannot get on with each other and cease to live in peace and harmony, we need it.
NATO is not a war maker, it is more a war defender/protector from, but I know many will not agree, so I leave it there.

My  mum and I  only a mile away from the Celtic Manor Resort, so things started when I was woken on Wed 3rd Sept at 8.30 am by 2 helicopter gunships patrolling over head, which made three passes overhead during a half hour period. I have an attic bedroom  with VELUX windows so I was able to look out and see the guns and missiles underneath. This happened periodically for rest of the day.

Thursday 4th September was much the same with helicopters gunships and extra police heli activity waking me, early in the morning for me.

There was disturbance at night as the sheer number of people, media, security created a background hum throughout the night, which since then has meant a quiet that seems eary, which is strange as the M4 motorway is only a short distance away

On Friday Morning the helicopters were flying again, but Mum and I got up to watch the aircraft flypast at
8-45 am , so I was not disturbed that day. I had the benefit of being directly under the flight path of the aircraft and I had the Red Arrows fly over my head, while standing in my own home garden, amazing and something I will never forget.

During the lead up to the summit I took loads of pictures of the ring of steel security fence on the A449, on  the M4 Chepstow Road, and the Sunday 7th after it finished we went up catsash road and I took pictures of the security fence and where it left the road to encompass the 2010 clubhouse where I think Barak Obama was staying.

We watch all the news coverage and also we say the cars used to shuttle the heads of state being transported away and one of the tanks and flooring it rested on being driven along the M4 a few
 days later.

Nato summit and life over two days of History

As the first of the two day summit recedes into the night, I reflect on the lead up to this day. When I heard the news announced on the ITV Wales news in October last year. I knew it was big, not just on the ground but in heaven. I witnessed it in my spirit then, and can feel the power flowing, as I write this. As a watch keeper on the east gate of Newport, I have held the whole thing in my heart, not a day went by that I did not hold it close to my heart, and treasured  the priceless chance that has come our way.

War is not the issue here, as my God is doing something bigger, more amazing, who knows what is happening in the spiritual. I can believe for some very exciting things that will change the world for the better. Islam is not the issue either, it is more the mindset and what people hold in their hearts.

As human beings there is little to separate us other than every person is an individual, the separation into different social, cultural groups only happened  after Adam and Eve, and the mindsets and beliefs that we have are what governs our lives.

Islam is complex and misinterpreted even by those who profess to understand it, so many of the extreme things that have taken place historically, started because of arguments between two people or judgements based on things pasted down by word of mouth, that may have had no basis in reality, or was misinformation to actually cause trouble.

I know what I think and I know what I believe now is different to what I believed two months ago,because I am changing and growing, but what does not change is the core belief that this is a created world, however it was created is not the issue, big bang because the big bang needed to be created.

Mosab Yousef Hussan (Son of one of HAMAS founders) talks of people in Islam jumping and fighting against shadows over what they believe, but in the west we jump at shadows regarding creation vs.darwinism because as a society people are so desparate to prove that there is no God, and yet still want to have faith in something stable and unshakeable.

Fear is fed where fear is bred, usually when what used to work, no longer does, anger unresolved breeds hatred and further misunderstanding.
What is happening down the road will not change men's mind's or their hearts, because only my father in heaven can do that
I personally, now dream of big changes through prayer and doing stuff that will help to free this world, so we don't need war, right now we all need NATO, but one day things will be different.

The way I think, is because of the way I'm made, or is it?!

All my life I have thought differently from the world around me, regarded as stubborn and maybe rebellious. BUT is this true, yes in some ways that could be true, but in others definitely not true.
I recognise that some of my thought patterns are not always healthy, especially in regard to friendship/relationship. Feeling isolated and lacking in friends has been an ongoing theme throughout my life.
For most of my life up until 2005, when I received the diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (Autism), which went some way to explaining this particular difficulty in my life, I struggled with making long term friendships, partly due to circumstances, but mainly due to my lack of skill in this area, and because I find this area particularly difficult, it affects my life and my thoughts at times on a daily basis.

I have the ongoing relationship with Jesus, but I still find that hard at times, although I love him as a closer than close friend. This is a different kind of relationship, as it is not in the physical reality, but in the heaven reality that I relate to him.So I find

Following conversations, missing words, adding words that someone never said, are all things I have to cope with. The effort to function requires extra energy and concentration to achieve, something which others do naturally.
Intimate relationship is something I crave, such as marriage, but I also find challenging to think about as I often feel that I can barely function in this world on my own, and have difficulties, with understanding my mum whom I have lived with since I was in her womb, with maybe  2 months of my whole life, away from her. How would I cope with and relate to someone who barely knows me and does not wholly understand my needs and how would I understand him, and cope with life together.

These thoughts are part of my reality, so how do I change them, when I cannot change my reality.
I can change feeling sorry for myself thoughts, by being more positive about the future.
I can change thoughts that relate to things that I do, by not doing them.
I can also allow destructive,worry thoughts to be dealt with by handing them over to Jesus.
Which I have done and still do very quickly.
In recent weeks I have begun to feel the need for deeper friendship and community that is not so sparsely spread in my world.
Heaven has spoilt me for this world, in some ways but I am here to help God change things, and as things stand. feeling lonely does not help this.

Sandy Hook and Colombine - result of a perversion of an idea from America's forefathers

I am not american and I have no agenda other than the truth about the situation  I see in America regarding guns. I have looked at and read the US constitution several times in the last few years, for varying reasons, and I have no problem with the owning of a handgun or a shotgun in the house as protection against intruders or people who plan to attack your family. The owning of a personal firearm is not the issue.
Why is this my business? I know one person from America who hold what believe has become a perverted view of what owning a gun means.
 You see the freedom to own a gun for protection, has turned into have as many guns as you like and it is your right to do what you like with them as long as you have a licence.

I have seen news items, documentaries, lists of killings in the hundreds, that may soon be in the thousands in places like Chicago. Then there are Sandy Hook and Colombine. Yes, I am not American but I am a Human being, and when a fellow Christian who is teaching me makes a comment that suggests he supports gun owning, when hundreds are being killed every day all over America. Then I have a problem, because he is saying not just the freedom to own a gun but it is OK, to use it outside the home and in the car.
The minute that becomes OK, then military type machine guns are OK.

I personally believe that Colombine and Sandy Hook were able to happen because guns were available to the individuals who committed those crimes, but it was the type of guns that enabled so many children and young people to be killed.

Owning a gun has become a perversion of the original bill of rights, mainly due to modern technology, I have a suspicion that the founding fathers of  federal Republic would shed tears of Sadness at the tragedy that is unfolding before your eyes.

When somebody from America stands before me and makes the comment I believe I have the right to look at and to say the truth that I see and to say that I have a problem with the attitude displayed as it does not equate to true Christian belief, but somewhere along the way it has become that. Why should people live in fear that they or their children will one day be the ones to be at the barrel of a gun that can kill them just so the minority can have killing machines in their possession, that frankly I have problem seeing in the military.
None of it makes any sense and I feel that there is kind of brainwashing that it is our right so it is acceptable.
I say NO,NO,NO a hundred times NO.  Because it is A SICKNESS that damages society.

In Britain we don't have a freedom of guns law, but guns are becoming an issue in London, and the odd case of people being put in prison, because they shot an intruder who had no business being there.

On the road to healing

After going through Natasha Vermaaks book cleansing your blood lines with my mum over the last 4 to 5 weeks. I felt a difference, but I think it is like barrel with alot of rubbish heavily packed down. Spiritually you are carrying the things that other people have done in your ancestry. So you clear that out and things that you could not focus on then come to the surface from another part of the barrel.

during my childhood I experienced bullying which caused real heartache and suffering, as well as abuse of a sexual nature, which effectively left me feeling vulnerable to the outside world and lacking in trust of other people, something I still struggle with, as at 47, I am still single and because of Asperger Syndrome and my inability to cope with managing my own life, I felt having children would be beyond me, I did not think it fair to have a child or children, because of this.

 I would not say I dislike children, all things considered I would have loved to find my Mr. Right and had a family, but circumstances and A.S have combined to make my life as it is now.
I also think the injuries from my past are still affecting me, because I have never really addressed them, and I feel sad that I am not where I hoped to be at this point in my life.

This is hard because I look at the world and I see people in other countries who do not have the benefits I have and have suffered far more than I ever will on alot more levels.
But I still feel the pain of open wounds that I have to live with, like being able to trust people to understand my situation, outside the home when I still struggle inside the home, at times with someone who should get where I am coming from but often does not, causing friction between us.

I love where I live and I am grateful for all that it gives me, but at times I am very frustrated because of the fact that I cannot see a future where I could live somewhere similar, when Mum is no longer here. I don't worry about it often, but now and again it bubbles up and I have to Hand it over to God and ask him to look after it. The main reason is that I would hate to live in a flat with no garden or on an estate where I have to relate to people, or they think you are strange if you don't and start bullying or being unkind.
I would rather live in a shed, in a field than in the centre of a town.

Anyhow this is all handed over to Jesus as I cannot address any of this on my own, but I needed to write what I am feeling now, and get it out in the open  

The challenges of Weight loss and an Aspergers Life pt 2

I am beginning to feel  OK with my situation and the need to loose weight. I have been forced by circumstances to see my life for what it is and the other challenges that have nothing to do with exercise or eating, but in a roundabout way affect the way I live my life.
I have not had a holiday since 2001, out of choice to some level mainly because the effort to get myself together for such a thing felt beyond my ability to achieve, after being ill in 2004.

As a person with Aspergers Syndrome(Autism.Spectrum.Disorder) my normal functioning day to day is with continuous level of anxiety not about anything in particular, it has just been there all my life. So any kind of happening that raises that level requires so much more energy to deal with that I get tired out more easily. The result is the workplace, any workplace is hard for me. I spent many years in and out of jobs after leaving school. These things all contribute to the situation I find myself in now.r

I have also struggled with the idea of flying away for a holiday. It is not the flight itself, as I think I would cope with that it is my ability to find my way. To navigate people and situations on my own, as My mum would not be able to go with me, as she is claustrophobic. So I have no close friends to go with, let alone anyone who would understand my difficulties, and I am feeling the lack of time out away from the busyness of life, and perhaps the mundane of life in some respects, made all the more present by the health things with blood platelets having to be monitored and type 2 diabetes, both of which need blood tests, which I don't find easy after being in hospital in 2004(see previous entry).

None of this is earth shattering but for me it is a raised level of stress that I have to cope with and deal with now. Also dieting is extra level of stress, which got me in this position, because I avoided facing up to it because I find it very difficult to do ( see previous entry)

Some people who don't have an A.S.D do not appreciate the extra effort it takes to live the life they lead or appreciate that it may even be impossible to lead the same kind of life they do.
We can find it hard to understand and integrate into social life of any kind, but this does not mean we don't want to. I would love to travel, to see a bit of the world, and on thinking about it I think that the amount of money I spend on clothes and craft supplies are a kind of replacement for a life not lived, as I would like to live it, with the opportunity of a job I could do, but is not available to me, and a home that is mine. I feel that in some ways the future could be bleak, but for my friend and saviour Jesus Christ.

The challenges of weightloss and an Aspergers Life

Things have changed for me over the last few weeks, being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, now on medication and forced to face up to loosing weight. In 2003 I was 12 stone, in 2013 I was nearly 16 stone.
during those years inbetween I have had a spell in hospital, for an op for gallstone, and pancreatitis caused by the gallstones. I felt so poorly after that experience both psychologically and physically that diet went out the door, because at the time I struggled to eat.

In 2004/2005, I had difficulty when returning to work after 3 months off, and people broached the subject of Aspergers Syndrome and I had my diagnosis in May 2005.

I have had difficulty with exercise all my life because of a knee problem I have had since childhood. Then 3 years ago I attended an outdoor birthday party and recieved two bites on my right ankle which swelled and also affected my achilles tendon, which had been injured twice before in my teens and then my twenties.
So I really struggled to make any decent movement in my life for the last 3 years. The pain was horrendous initally and summers have been difficult as the heat has caused my feet to swell and caused pain in my right tendon. But it  is only in the last  2 months that the pain has begun to subside and begin to feel normal.

I also have had difficulty driving, the result I have driven very little, but now feel  that I could get behind the wheel again.
All my life I have tried things to help me exercise and people have offered advice but I find it difficult to run with ideas and suggestions that other people make because I don't live a "normal" sort of life, as I do not have a job, as it was said that I could not because of my specific needs.

I would love to be slim and wear clothes that truly fit the person I am inside. I dream of that sometimes, but have felt the pressure and struggle it takes to loose weight, actually weighs on my mind, because of the extra effort required to do this, as in my world there is never a day that is free from the anxiety of living. These are the challenges I face every day.

2nd blog after changes/ sharing my life right now

Here I am again doing my 2nd blog post after negotiating the change.
Justin A says this is a time of forced change, and I along with many are experinceing this. With help and advice as well as direction from someone in the business of computers, the learning curve has been negotiated with a successful outcome.

And now to other things, Life is going a strange path right now, as a result of discovering  I have type 2 diabetes, mainly because I am overwieght.But I am overwieght because I have had a cartilage problem since childhood, and knock knees which means that my legs are not straight. Then 3 years ago I had 3 insect bites on my left ankle, the swelling of which aggrevated an achilles tendon injury and a ankle tendon injury causing ongoing difficulty with exercise.

I know I have got myself into this mess and I accept responsability for that, but not of the things that caused me to be in this situation are directly my fault, as I eat possibly too much, to often.
I also do not have people I can go walking with, and don't like doing it on my own, for safety reasons. In  summer 2010 my dog Sassy died and so my daily exercise, which was only 15 mins a day, but was every day. I'd like another dog, but managing one would be difficult, for mum as she is the one is up before me
Probably one of the reasons I don't like going out just to walk on my own, and as I change, things feel more lonely, and as time moves on I feel the threat of yet more change.

I am disappointed in myself that I have allowed this to happen, and that I was not a bit more proactive before now in preventing it, but all I used to get from professionals who I see along the way was advice they would give to anyone neurotypical or otherwise and noone ever took into account my physical limitations with exercise or the isolated lifestyle I live because I  struggle with maintaining the kind of full social life that would help keep my weight down. Most of the social stuff I do involves sitting for long periods. I also enjoy TV. So all these things combine to make life just that added bit more difficult, in a life that is already stressed just by living at times.

At last access again

Woweee! what a time, I have at last managed to change my email and my google account with help from Mickey and Mum. Quite  stressful but now it is done I am glad.

It has been a bit of a journey, and a learning curve with a minor gliche along the way, but all is OK and I am using my google/blogger account to write this now.
really pleased.

I really value this space to put down my life as and when I feel the need and it is nice to think that others will read and get blessed or learn from my life and experiences.

My friend Jesus, who died for us all Part 2

In part 1 I said that people do not always understand that faith and being a friend of Jesus has nothing to do with religion or the things which historically the church has been known for like the Crusades and other things, most of which were to do with doctrine and dogma that told them how to think. Yes, it appears that Christianity does tell you how to think but the reality is that living with Jesus and not religion becomes a lifestyle and a heart felt passion as  you learn from him, at which point you cannot help but live the way that you feel Jesus wants you to live, either from the bible or through supernatural means via the Holy Spirit. There are always more questions to be asked, and answers to be found or looked for. Living the lifestyle of a christian provides stability and peace even through the difficult and stormy parts of life.

My friend Jesus, who died for us all part 1

I feel the love of my friend and I know he is what the world needs if only you would recognise it. Yes, he is a mystery at times that the human mind cannot fathom or understand in the physical natural, but in the spiritual it is oh! so different. We are all made to be spiritual beings, the human was made in the likeness of our creator God's to be his friend, and we did not fullfill that because we allowed the devil in and he changed us making the world as we find it now, with all the sadness, pain and warring of the human nature. But this can be changed this can be turned around, with the acceptance of a saviour in Jesus Christ, as this is the reason he died to stop all this warring and evil. Why has it not changed more greatly in 2000 years? well there are many answers the first being that many refuse to accept their need for salvation and are offended by the idea of it, while others do not believe in the spiritual at all, still others have passing affiliation with religion that does not relate to Jesus in any way and therefore believe they are safe, and can continue to do thier own thing. Jesus died so we could relate to him, not just through prayer, but through experiencing heaven via our saved spirit.

Walking in heaven while walking on earth Pt 2

Well I have just looked back at previous blogs and realised I had not written a part 2 for the earlier part 1 of same title. So much has happened since I wrote that earlier blog in terms of visiting and being in heaven to get prophetic stuff to bring down here that will change the world. I know that my spirit walks with Jesus and the host of heaven and I know because it is as real to me now as the keyboard I am touching.
Christianity as taught in the past although good, so much was done in response the wisdom or understanding of what was taught to the ministry, pastors, vicars, but there is more and I am glad of what I now have, which is the revelation that heaven is a place I can visit now and have encounters which change my way of seeing in the natural down here, also that I am first a citizen of heaven as my spirit, and a citizen of the earth second. I am free to be the person God called me to be and have the tools to be able to do it. 

The Prophetic year ahead

Tomorrow is the 1st March 2014, St. David's day and we are meeting at GG with P&T
Wednesday(26th) was a powerful evening and one I am glad I was a part of. The prophetic has been is so much part of my life, and becoming more so as time progresses. Dreams and hopes I held as a teen and as a young adult, having been laid down have been given back many times over and will be as things progress in the supernatural. I truly love what Jesus is doing, so gentle but also firm guiding my path in life.
I love Wales, because Jesus loves Wales, but I also love the UNITED KINGDOM, which is to become a divided kingdom if Scotland wants out as AS seems to want.
I am not sure what is right for that country so I cannot say it is wrong. But I wonder how they could maintain the standard of living however poor or misunderstood they feel given the huge lack of manufacturing or well paid jobs. I wonder how many buisnesses will want to relocate to country with its own monetary system. How will security be maintained on its borders as the royal navy would be trespassing, and the army would be thier own, and what would that mean for the security of Wales and England. I worry for a small nation that is been badgered by one man into something that may end badly for them in the future. When times are hard we need to stick together, not go for going it alone, just as I would not want  total independence, going it alone for Wales because of the huge risks involved and also that our future is not ours to choose but it is the choice of heaven.
I feel things changing in the atmosphere, I feel different about myself and my desire to be a prophet in the land is growing as Papa God waters and nurtures my heart as I seek the beating heart of God.

Love and Jesus

My days were often difficult after my Lovely Dad died of Brain tumour on7th September 1999 just over 14 years ago. I live at home with my mum and I had to live through all the feelings I was experiencing as well as cope with how she was. At that time I did not know I had Aspergers Syndrome. I have had to learn so much, adjust to changes, many ups and downs, heartache and sadness and as I write today, I would say that I have finally come out the other side. It has been a long journey on my own, out of choice possibly, because I prefer solitued in the main. This is not to say that my Mum has not supported me, she has and I cannot fault her in how she manages. I am glad of her and our many conversations over the last years, as well as the milestones or anniversaries that sometimes turnout bumpy, but sometimes not.Through all these things Jesus has held my hand or walked behind or in front of me allowing me to work my way through the pain which lasted too long, if I am honest. But I had two griefs in my life at the same time as in 2005 10th May I had the Diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome. One I am truly glad to have recieved it as it has explained my rocky path through life, but at the same time certain things I thought I would have by now, when I looked at the future as a dreaming child have not come my way and I felt sad for a while once I adjusted to the diagnosis. It is over 9 years since I found out about A.S and that has been a journey of discovery, but it has not always been easy. But Life goes on and as I walk with Jesus I know that the discovery goes on and maybe it will become an adventure as I grow and become the person I am called to be.