Loving My Mum and coping when she is ill

I really don't know why she expects me to be a certain way when she is ill, dizzy or had migraines in the past. We were not allowed to get breakfast on mothers day and I was never allowed to be caring, but maybe as I am autistic I never understood those things that I heard other people talk about, and I was never taught how to be a nurse or that I should care. Now that I am well into my adulthood I struggle with mum being ill, because I don't know how to deal with it or with her getting angry with me when I don't do what she things I should do, according to her veiw of what should happen.

My heart sinks every time things like dizziness, or sickness happens with mum because, I know it is going to be difficult and I don't know how to deal with it, and no matter how many times it happens she still gets angry with me and upset, but never tries to help me or give me any advice, when all is alright and going fine.
Also her feeling guilty about me getting upset when she gets ill.
Who is the one at fault? in some respects we both are, but if you never incouraged your child to be caring when you are ill or you are kept away from someone who is ill then you never have the oppotunity to learn those skills. Illness is stressful when I have it, but it is double, maybe even triple the stress when mum is ill and she does not seem to get that and remains stubborn and unkind in her illness, as she ever has.

I realise now that migraine does not lend itself to people nursing or caring, but mum having migraine meant she disappeared for days when we went away camping and that was scary because I did not know what was happening then exactly, but I get that same feeling now as an adult when my mum gets ill.

I find it all the more stressful because I have an ASD and mum always critiscises me when I react to her being ill, but she does not get how or why I feel the way I do and does not seem to make an effort to try, when I am struggling to cope with it all in the first place. 

ASD and Healing: my hope and desire part 1

Right now I want to say to anyone reading this blog, that I have never refused or dismissed the idea of healing of some if not all of the difficulties around having an ASD. Indeed, as a young person I probably spent many hours asking God to do just that. I probably did not enjoy the moment/present because of this.
In more recent years, listening to teaching from IC and JPA, it has been taught that our spirits know what we, are signing up for before we are born, so my peace has been found in this teaching, as well as other personal experiences where I have been told that this is my life and God is going to use me as I am. knowledge of  both these things have taken some of the pain and the pressure off from having to meet the expectations of society at large. Be this in general with not being able to hold down a job or in any other  aspect of my life, like gatherings with COBH, where incidentally I still feel lonely and isolated at times.

But there may be others who feel this way, maybe but it is hard to talk to people who don't know me and it is hard when people who do know me and treat me in ways I don't understand. Obviously there are people who are still concerned for me, and I am grateful for them, but it is hard when I want to share in meetings and there are people across the room, looking totally fed up and indeed maybe the whole room was fed up with me, except mum and that is hard. Then other times people who have been kind to me, are quite terse and feel like they are being unkind. I also sometimes feel that the health issues they have are regarded more highly. I understand that they may be life threatening if not treated. But the struggle of loving with the anxiety that comes with an ASD, makes life hard before you add stuff in.

I realise that people who don't have an ASD have these things going on and that I am not unusual in this. but I sometimes feel like people are fed up with me and that some things don't change, and also that people are moving on and I am left behind.

At 50 when I reach it this November, I wonder what my calling is and how do I work it out within the life that I now have, with type 2 diabetes and myloproliferative disease. Thankfully, at time of writing I feel healthier and have a bit more energy than I have had for the last 3 or 4 years, so I am grateful for this and thank Papa God for this development. It is my hope that I will not need to go on chemo and that I will not have to have a pint of blood taken every 3 months, which is highly stressful for this needle phobic.

So in finishing I am not against healing and I have experienced areas of healing and greater connection with Papa God, understanding love from heaven, which has helped in the last couple of years, but when all is said and done it is up to God to choose what happens in my life, and I can rest with that now. It has been a battle to get to this point, with only Jesus and his Holy Spirit to help. But probably that is the point, I am not alone even when I feel I am. However, I would like some friendship/relationship in my life, just to have a life. 

ASD and 50 years

It is hard to look back at 48 years of learning to live in this world, trying to learn what is expected of you,yes I have learned to a certain extent, but it is really hard if you don't understand other people, but other people think you understand them.
The challenges of isolation, of wondering whether people really want anything to do with you because they don't communicate with you. There are kind people now and I am grateful for the very few. But so often I feel as though I am not worthy of friendship. So many times people say things that suggest friendship and meeting up, but I am never sure that they mean it or that they really want to meet with me. I am not even sure that they know how hard it is for me to begin that journey, given the many failed journey's along the way. Maybe I have always believed inside me that I was not worthy of being a friend or even what it means to be a friend.
I know what being a friend to Jesus means to me and that I would not have survived to 49 years of age without that relationship in my life. I don't have a problem  with relating to Jesus because, he is with me all the time, and I don't totally understand his ways, I don't have to. I just have to trust him and that is not always easy especially regarding health. Having to have blood taken a pint every three months is a big one for a needle phobic, who has always been so, but having to cope with 10 days in hospital in 2004, after gallstones  which caused pancreatitis, and having treatment that saved my life, but left me feeling half the person I was prior to that experience.
The people I know now did not know me in those days, and especially in the last couple of years, some people I thought were for me, have made life harder, harder because I don't have anyone to discuss anything with, yes I can talk to Elaine about prayer things on the telephone, but most of my life is alone, even though I live with Mum, she has more than enough to cope with. I only talk to her about things when I need to find release from an issue, but that is rare, because if I told her everything that was causing me a problem it would be time consuming. Sometimes she calls me selfish when we have an argument or a blow up, but she has no idea that I am struggling probably more than she realises and perhaps it is frustration  that I am not able to live the life if feel that God wants me to live.
The damage to my psychology which was fragile before 2004, was obliterated in areas of my life by that experience in hospital. But I have been struggling with the ill health type 2 diabetes and the blood disorder and how to trust that all this is working together for good in my life. It is the tension between loving Jesus wholeheartedly and having to cope with not feeling well or feeling tired and not understanding why but having to live with the two without any support. Having an ASD undiagnosed for 38 years and dyslexia undiagnosed for 22 years, being bullied right through school, and then as an adult from time to time. Being sexually abused  between the ages of 10 and 12, having to live with anxiety and uncertainty about what was required of me day to day and the heartache of dealing with being different everyday of my life.
I will be 50 this November, and maybe somehow, some way I will learn how to be a friend who is worthy of that name