Right now I want to say to anyone reading this blog, that I have never refused or dismissed the idea of healing of some if not all of the difficulties around having an ASD. Indeed, as a young person I probably spent many hours asking God to do just that. I probably did not enjoy the moment/present because of this.
In more recent years, listening to teaching from IC and JPA, it has been taught that our spirits know what we, are signing up for before we are born, so my peace has been found in this teaching, as well as other personal experiences where I have been told that this is my life and God is going to use me as I am. knowledge of both these things have taken some of the pain and the pressure off from having to meet the expectations of society at large. Be this in general with not being able to hold down a job or in any other aspect of my life, like gatherings with COBH, where incidentally I still feel lonely and isolated at times.
But there may be others who feel this way, maybe but it is hard to talk to people who don't know me and it is hard when people who do know me and treat me in ways I don't understand. Obviously there are people who are still concerned for me, and I am grateful for them, but it is hard when I want to share in meetings and there are people across the room, looking totally fed up and indeed maybe the whole room was fed up with me, except mum and that is hard. Then other times people who have been kind to me, are quite terse and feel like they are being unkind. I also sometimes feel that the health issues they have are regarded more highly. I understand that they may be life threatening if not treated. But the struggle of loving with the anxiety that comes with an ASD, makes life hard before you add stuff in.
I realise that people who don't have an ASD have these things going on and that I am not unusual in this. but I sometimes feel like people are fed up with me and that some things don't change, and also that people are moving on and I am left behind.
At 50 when I reach it this November, I wonder what my calling is and how do I work it out within the life that I now have, with type 2 diabetes and myloproliferative disease. Thankfully, at time of writing I feel healthier and have a bit more energy than I have had for the last 3 or 4 years, so I am grateful for this and thank Papa God for this development. It is my hope that I will not need to go on chemo and that I will not have to have a pint of blood taken every 3 months, which is highly stressful for this needle phobic.
So in finishing I am not against healing and I have experienced areas of healing and greater connection with Papa God, understanding love from heaven, which has helped in the last couple of years, but when all is said and done it is up to God to choose what happens in my life, and I can rest with that now. It has been a battle to get to this point, with only Jesus and his Holy Spirit to help. But probably that is the point, I am not alone even when I feel I am. However, I would like some friendship/relationship in my life, just to have a life.
In more recent years, listening to teaching from IC and JPA, it has been taught that our spirits know what we, are signing up for before we are born, so my peace has been found in this teaching, as well as other personal experiences where I have been told that this is my life and God is going to use me as I am. knowledge of both these things have taken some of the pain and the pressure off from having to meet the expectations of society at large. Be this in general with not being able to hold down a job or in any other aspect of my life, like gatherings with COBH, where incidentally I still feel lonely and isolated at times.
But there may be others who feel this way, maybe but it is hard to talk to people who don't know me and it is hard when people who do know me and treat me in ways I don't understand. Obviously there are people who are still concerned for me, and I am grateful for them, but it is hard when I want to share in meetings and there are people across the room, looking totally fed up and indeed maybe the whole room was fed up with me, except mum and that is hard. Then other times people who have been kind to me, are quite terse and feel like they are being unkind. I also sometimes feel that the health issues they have are regarded more highly. I understand that they may be life threatening if not treated. But the struggle of loving with the anxiety that comes with an ASD, makes life hard before you add stuff in.
I realise that people who don't have an ASD have these things going on and that I am not unusual in this. but I sometimes feel like people are fed up with me and that some things don't change, and also that people are moving on and I am left behind.
At 50 when I reach it this November, I wonder what my calling is and how do I work it out within the life that I now have, with type 2 diabetes and myloproliferative disease. Thankfully, at time of writing I feel healthier and have a bit more energy than I have had for the last 3 or 4 years, so I am grateful for this and thank Papa God for this development. It is my hope that I will not need to go on chemo and that I will not have to have a pint of blood taken every 3 months, which is highly stressful for this needle phobic.
So in finishing I am not against healing and I have experienced areas of healing and greater connection with Papa God, understanding love from heaven, which has helped in the last couple of years, but when all is said and done it is up to God to choose what happens in my life, and I can rest with that now. It has been a battle to get to this point, with only Jesus and his Holy Spirit to help. But probably that is the point, I am not alone even when I feel I am. However, I would like some friendship/relationship in my life, just to have a life.
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