It is hard to look back at 48 years of learning to live in this world, trying to learn what is expected of you,yes I have learned to a certain extent, but it is really hard if you don't understand other people, but other people think you understand them.
The challenges of isolation, of wondering whether people really want anything to do with you because they don't communicate with you. There are kind people now and I am grateful for the very few. But so often I feel as though I am not worthy of friendship. So many times people say things that suggest friendship and meeting up, but I am never sure that they mean it or that they really want to meet with me. I am not even sure that they know how hard it is for me to begin that journey, given the many failed journey's along the way. Maybe I have always believed inside me that I was not worthy of being a friend or even what it means to be a friend.
I know what being a friend to Jesus means to me and that I would not have survived to 49 years of age without that relationship in my life. I don't have a problem with relating to Jesus because, he is with me all the time, and I don't totally understand his ways, I don't have to. I just have to trust him and that is not always easy especially regarding health. Having to have blood taken a pint every three months is a big one for a needle phobic, who has always been so, but having to cope with 10 days in hospital in 2004, after gallstones which caused pancreatitis, and having treatment that saved my life, but left me feeling half the person I was prior to that experience.
The people I know now did not know me in those days, and especially in the last couple of years, some people I thought were for me, have made life harder, harder because I don't have anyone to discuss anything with, yes I can talk to Elaine about prayer things on the telephone, but most of my life is alone, even though I live with Mum, she has more than enough to cope with. I only talk to her about things when I need to find release from an issue, but that is rare, because if I told her everything that was causing me a problem it would be time consuming. Sometimes she calls me selfish when we have an argument or a blow up, but she has no idea that I am struggling probably more than she realises and perhaps it is frustration that I am not able to live the life if feel that God wants me to live.
The damage to my psychology which was fragile before 2004, was obliterated in areas of my life by that experience in hospital. But I have been struggling with the ill health type 2 diabetes and the blood disorder and how to trust that all this is working together for good in my life. It is the tension between loving Jesus wholeheartedly and having to cope with not feeling well or feeling tired and not understanding why but having to live with the two without any support. Having an ASD undiagnosed for 38 years and dyslexia undiagnosed for 22 years, being bullied right through school, and then as an adult from time to time. Being sexually abused between the ages of 10 and 12, having to live with anxiety and uncertainty about what was required of me day to day and the heartache of dealing with being different everyday of my life.
I will be 50 this November, and maybe somehow, some way I will learn how to be a friend who is worthy of that name
The challenges of isolation, of wondering whether people really want anything to do with you because they don't communicate with you. There are kind people now and I am grateful for the very few. But so often I feel as though I am not worthy of friendship. So many times people say things that suggest friendship and meeting up, but I am never sure that they mean it or that they really want to meet with me. I am not even sure that they know how hard it is for me to begin that journey, given the many failed journey's along the way. Maybe I have always believed inside me that I was not worthy of being a friend or even what it means to be a friend.
I know what being a friend to Jesus means to me and that I would not have survived to 49 years of age without that relationship in my life. I don't have a problem with relating to Jesus because, he is with me all the time, and I don't totally understand his ways, I don't have to. I just have to trust him and that is not always easy especially regarding health. Having to have blood taken a pint every three months is a big one for a needle phobic, who has always been so, but having to cope with 10 days in hospital in 2004, after gallstones which caused pancreatitis, and having treatment that saved my life, but left me feeling half the person I was prior to that experience.
The people I know now did not know me in those days, and especially in the last couple of years, some people I thought were for me, have made life harder, harder because I don't have anyone to discuss anything with, yes I can talk to Elaine about prayer things on the telephone, but most of my life is alone, even though I live with Mum, she has more than enough to cope with. I only talk to her about things when I need to find release from an issue, but that is rare, because if I told her everything that was causing me a problem it would be time consuming. Sometimes she calls me selfish when we have an argument or a blow up, but she has no idea that I am struggling probably more than she realises and perhaps it is frustration that I am not able to live the life if feel that God wants me to live.
The damage to my psychology which was fragile before 2004, was obliterated in areas of my life by that experience in hospital. But I have been struggling with the ill health type 2 diabetes and the blood disorder and how to trust that all this is working together for good in my life. It is the tension between loving Jesus wholeheartedly and having to cope with not feeling well or feeling tired and not understanding why but having to live with the two without any support. Having an ASD undiagnosed for 38 years and dyslexia undiagnosed for 22 years, being bullied right through school, and then as an adult from time to time. Being sexually abused between the ages of 10 and 12, having to live with anxiety and uncertainty about what was required of me day to day and the heartache of dealing with being different everyday of my life.
I will be 50 this November, and maybe somehow, some way I will learn how to be a friend who is worthy of that name
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