Questions, P.T.S.D and the past Part 4 - Fear of the Jobcentre

The heartache and disappointment of years without help in my life on a human level, and the trauma of people being unkind to me whether they knew it or not is not the issue. The fact is that because I had autism when I was born, I have not had the ability to shake off some things that may not bother other people.
But there are other things that happened to me and were never addressed.
The Journey from August 2016 has been traumatic in many respects, but it has revealed the problems with P.T.S.D, and the bringing up of long held memories, as well as memories I should still have but have forgotten or pushed down.
Before I left school I had an awful careers interview with the careers teacher, and every visit to the Job centre there after was a painful, traumatic experience, which I never refused to put myself through, because it never occurred to me that I should. As a person on the A.S.D spectrum rules and laws are to be followed, even at the expense of my psychological well being, and so it has been for every job centre, work related issue for the whole of my life.
When I left the any Job centre, I would be pleased if all I had was to look at some jobs, but I rarely and maybe never had a truly positive experience even with some disability advisers, who said things to me that left me feeling down trodden and  as abused as I was throughout school.
Because of the ESA50  in all its parts, things about my life have been revealed. The trauma of the past has been revealed and I am now having help.
All these experiences have made me understand after 10 years on E.S.A without the demands of a Job or going to the job centre, I have realised that I have a deep fear of the Job centre going right back to just before I left school in the early 1980's, I never really wanted to go, but because I needed the money, and could not give a reason for feeling as I did, I had to go.
I realise looking back that I felt fear every time I went to any job centre and when Jobs or Government schemes came to an end, either because I had had one of my numerous breakdowns or the schemes were coming to an end. As I knew I would have to go through the same process, the same disappointment when promises of Jobs I could do never appeared and I found jobs that I could never maintain.
This is how I feel about putting myself through anything to do with the Job centre, and I think it would be dangerous to try, especially at this time because of the revealed P.T.S.D., the source of which  being an ASD which started in the womb and continued as a child long before I ever thought about a Job centre.

Questions,P.T.S.D and the past part 3

Hopes and dreams have died and risen again, disappointments have come and gone with a repetitive frequency greater than the average I suspect, But always there was Jesus. The Bible says you will have troubles in this world, so that is what I accepted would be, because I had no measure as a child of what I was worth or what I should expect as treatment from those around. I think looking back I did not value myself very highly, because I was not meeting the demands required of me, and mostly felt incapable of doing so, but had great trouble in expressing this to anyone, so never did, even if I had realised or understood that doing so may have been possible.
Of course as I had experiences that were good as an adult, like going to further education college and then later Universtiy. These experiences brought the many negative aspects of the past, as well as the ongoing into sharp focus, because I realised that I was not stupid, that I could prove to myself and all the people who had been nasty or unkind to me, with or without knowledge that I was not defined by the way I was treated, BUT I was damaged by the continuous onslaught of people's wrong judgements about behaviour.
It is hard for anyone to understand what it is like to be viewed  by others, where you feel like they see you from the outside and have no clue what is going on in the inside.
ALL my experiences of Careers /Job centre interviews have have been bad, but for a short period with one disability advisor, but even she could not stop some of the front line staff doing things that were on the computer not to do.
Looking back it was a nightmare and this revelation after the ESA50 experience, is why I am refusing to go to the Job centre because I now realise what it was like for me and how stressful and upsetting  it was, especially after Dad died because he had been the one to come with me, and again for a short time I went on my own. But it is during this time that I had a problem with the bus turning up, it didn't so I had to wait.
I was then late, and had to run from the old bus station in Newport, to the job centre, about 1/4 to 1/2 mile.
I was probably 2 mins  for my late 2.00pm appointment to sign on and they said because I had missed my slot I would have wait for 4-00 pm. I tried to explain that the bus had not come on time, but they virtually pushed me out the door and would not let me in, I was upset and in tears, as I was always close to extreme emotion, so I rang mum and she contacted the nice Disability Advisor who sorted out for me to be let in earlier, I don't remember if it was the same day, but I think it was the person seeing me that day said her son had the same as me and was able to work, this would have been after my ASD diagnosis.So after that Mum attended with me, and made sure all was OK. I realise no one likes going to the Job centre, BUT for me it is beyond liking or disliking, it is a place that the thought of scares me right now and putting myself in a place where I am open to abuse, would be considered stupid, by anyone with any sense, I have found my sense at last and I refuse to lay myself open to the possibility, because all the wonderful ideas and good intentions of government bodies have to be proved to be true before I will go and expereince the Job centre again.