Questions,P.T.S.D and the past part 2

This has all been lived with Jesus walking beside me, but I only know this looking back there were periods when I felt alone even though I believed the contrary.
It is hard to describe what it felt like sometimes, but I was not as aware of who I was in it all, as I am now.
I just let things happen, because I had no idea that I should stop them. But was different regarding things that I knew were wrong, I did my best to resist the onslaught if it was going to damage me.
For the majority of the rest of my life I had to live with and do the best I could with what I had, having no help, no acceptance of the struggles I was secretly facing and only having Jesus, and animals as my confidantes. Having these meant I survived and at times lived life well, but I never felt secure outside the home, without family with me, because I knew the dangers of people who made judgements based on what they saw on the outside with me and did not actually ask what if anything was going on inside. Whether at school, at the Job centre or anywhere else.
I find it really interesting about the interest in making life easier for people with Alshiemers disease, I am really pleased they are doing this for these people, BUT I recognise that low light, low noise and people trained to assist should this be needed, are things that would make life easier for families of children with autism, Adults on the spectrum and other people with problems affected by noise or light. I would certainly help me, because although I am not greatly affected by noise or light in the way others are, the extra stimulation of a supermarket means I rarely go with mum, accept for shopping before Christmas to get the treats I am allowed to have.
The stamina I had in the past was not great but it has been greatly lessened by the blood disease and type 2 diabetes. The thought of coping with all that and a  job, is just beyond me and beyond mum really as she had to wake me in time for me to drive down the road about a mile and half ? to get to the last job I ever had, and which got me the ASD diagnosis in 2005.
venturing out is a rare thing for me not because I am afraid, but because I am just so tired that it is a struggle to get anything done. When I do make an effort to do more I find I cannot do more the next day, or very little the next day, and the tiredness gets worse the nearer I get to needing to have may blood taken.
Doing a job was all I did when I had one, as I was too tired to enjoy life and get sustenance from doing nice things, as I was too tired. The reason all my jobs failed was demands I could not meet and feeling that life was not being lived or enjoyed, but it was a trauma even when from the outside looking in things seemed to be going well they were not especially near the end of the job.     

Questions, P.T.S.D and the past

Everyone is now talking about Mental health because Prince's William, harry and duchess of Cambridge "Heads Together" campaign and I am glad that this is becoming a focus to prevent those with mental health issues suffering in silence.
When the Health care professional at my ESA 50 assessment asked the question "Who looks after my mental health? I tried to answer that my issue was not a mental health one, as such, because I have Asperger Syndrome/ASD/Dyslexia. I get mental health problems from the stress of having to cope in a job, having demands placed on me which I cannot fulfil. Struggling achieve the demands of school, workplace, and at times home, alongside being continuously bullied from infant school right through to the end of my schooling.
The  bullying did not end there either, at the job centre in various places I was bullied however benignly into many situations I knew would be hard for me.
So when I went to the assessment last year, and that question was asked. I have to say it was a stupid question and showed the ignorance about and lack of training in regard to people like myself who have an ASD.
I was told by professionals at the Job centre ,10 years ago that finding a job/work place for me was  impossible because of the many very specific problem I have because of the combination of ASD/Dyslexia/Dyscalculia, so I have not had tremendous issues with mental health because for 10 years, as demands have not been placed on me, as I live with my mum and could not even consider living on my own.
Right now the P.T.S.D from all the trauma of living with the continuous abuse and bullying which has continued at points right through my Adult life, as well as through childhood, teens and twenties.
In fact the ESA50 assessment felt as if I am being bullied again, as I was not given time to answer the questions properly, and some questions I did not know how to answer and many other such things which made the whole experience traumatic and very upsetting.
It brought extreme heartache, pain back to the surface.
Just because I seem capable, does not mean that I am able, and the bullying from an unseen foe is harder to bare because, I knew who was bullying me physically, I could see them the possibility of getting away for a break, in another place, was there always and there was a bit more safety in the classroom, or the workroom, because break times were hard.
Throughout all of this there has been loss and bereavement of dreams and hopes, as well as ideas that died along the way because of wrong labels. The wrong labels were stupid, naught, ignorant, awkward. The right label was ASD, and when I was asked about my mental health, another label that is wrong, maybe not totally, but in many ways wrong, and maybe why I reacted so badly.