On the road to healing

After going through Natasha Vermaaks book cleansing your blood lines with my mum over the last 4 to 5 weeks. I felt a difference, but I think it is like barrel with alot of rubbish heavily packed down. Spiritually you are carrying the things that other people have done in your ancestry. So you clear that out and things that you could not focus on then come to the surface from another part of the barrel.

during my childhood I experienced bullying which caused real heartache and suffering, as well as abuse of a sexual nature, which effectively left me feeling vulnerable to the outside world and lacking in trust of other people, something I still struggle with, as at 47, I am still single and because of Asperger Syndrome and my inability to cope with managing my own life, I felt having children would be beyond me, I did not think it fair to have a child or children, because of this.

 I would not say I dislike children, all things considered I would have loved to find my Mr. Right and had a family, but circumstances and A.S have combined to make my life as it is now.
I also think the injuries from my past are still affecting me, because I have never really addressed them, and I feel sad that I am not where I hoped to be at this point in my life.

This is hard because I look at the world and I see people in other countries who do not have the benefits I have and have suffered far more than I ever will on alot more levels.
But I still feel the pain of open wounds that I have to live with, like being able to trust people to understand my situation, outside the home when I still struggle inside the home, at times with someone who should get where I am coming from but often does not, causing friction between us.

I love where I live and I am grateful for all that it gives me, but at times I am very frustrated because of the fact that I cannot see a future where I could live somewhere similar, when Mum is no longer here. I don't worry about it often, but now and again it bubbles up and I have to Hand it over to God and ask him to look after it. The main reason is that I would hate to live in a flat with no garden or on an estate where I have to relate to people, or they think you are strange if you don't and start bullying or being unkind.
I would rather live in a shed, in a field than in the centre of a town.

Anyhow this is all handed over to Jesus as I cannot address any of this on my own, but I needed to write what I am feeling now, and get it out in the open  

The challenges of Weight loss and an Aspergers Life pt 2

I am beginning to feel  OK with my situation and the need to loose weight. I have been forced by circumstances to see my life for what it is and the other challenges that have nothing to do with exercise or eating, but in a roundabout way affect the way I live my life.
I have not had a holiday since 2001, out of choice to some level mainly because the effort to get myself together for such a thing felt beyond my ability to achieve, after being ill in 2004.

As a person with Aspergers Syndrome(Autism.Spectrum.Disorder) my normal functioning day to day is with continuous level of anxiety not about anything in particular, it has just been there all my life. So any kind of happening that raises that level requires so much more energy to deal with that I get tired out more easily. The result is the workplace, any workplace is hard for me. I spent many years in and out of jobs after leaving school. These things all contribute to the situation I find myself in now.r

I have also struggled with the idea of flying away for a holiday. It is not the flight itself, as I think I would cope with that it is my ability to find my way. To navigate people and situations on my own, as My mum would not be able to go with me, as she is claustrophobic. So I have no close friends to go with, let alone anyone who would understand my difficulties, and I am feeling the lack of time out away from the busyness of life, and perhaps the mundane of life in some respects, made all the more present by the health things with blood platelets having to be monitored and type 2 diabetes, both of which need blood tests, which I don't find easy after being in hospital in 2004(see previous entry).

None of this is earth shattering but for me it is a raised level of stress that I have to cope with and deal with now. Also dieting is extra level of stress, which got me in this position, because I avoided facing up to it because I find it very difficult to do ( see previous entry)

Some people who don't have an A.S.D do not appreciate the extra effort it takes to live the life they lead or appreciate that it may even be impossible to lead the same kind of life they do.
We can find it hard to understand and integrate into social life of any kind, but this does not mean we don't want to. I would love to travel, to see a bit of the world, and on thinking about it I think that the amount of money I spend on clothes and craft supplies are a kind of replacement for a life not lived, as I would like to live it, with the opportunity of a job I could do, but is not available to me, and a home that is mine. I feel that in some ways the future could be bleak, but for my friend and saviour Jesus Christ.

The challenges of weightloss and an Aspergers Life

Things have changed for me over the last few weeks, being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, now on medication and forced to face up to loosing weight. In 2003 I was 12 stone, in 2013 I was nearly 16 stone.
during those years inbetween I have had a spell in hospital, for an op for gallstone, and pancreatitis caused by the gallstones. I felt so poorly after that experience both psychologically and physically that diet went out the door, because at the time I struggled to eat.

In 2004/2005, I had difficulty when returning to work after 3 months off, and people broached the subject of Aspergers Syndrome and I had my diagnosis in May 2005.

I have had difficulty with exercise all my life because of a knee problem I have had since childhood. Then 3 years ago I attended an outdoor birthday party and recieved two bites on my right ankle which swelled and also affected my achilles tendon, which had been injured twice before in my teens and then my twenties.
So I really struggled to make any decent movement in my life for the last 3 years. The pain was horrendous initally and summers have been difficult as the heat has caused my feet to swell and caused pain in my right tendon. But it  is only in the last  2 months that the pain has begun to subside and begin to feel normal.

I also have had difficulty driving, the result I have driven very little, but now feel  that I could get behind the wheel again.
All my life I have tried things to help me exercise and people have offered advice but I find it difficult to run with ideas and suggestions that other people make because I don't live a "normal" sort of life, as I do not have a job, as it was said that I could not because of my specific needs.

I would love to be slim and wear clothes that truly fit the person I am inside. I dream of that sometimes, but have felt the pressure and struggle it takes to loose weight, actually weighs on my mind, because of the extra effort required to do this, as in my world there is never a day that is free from the anxiety of living. These are the challenges I face every day.

2nd blog after changes/ sharing my life right now

Here I am again doing my 2nd blog post after negotiating the change.
Justin A says this is a time of forced change, and I along with many are experinceing this. With help and advice as well as direction from someone in the business of computers, the learning curve has been negotiated with a successful outcome.

And now to other things, Life is going a strange path right now, as a result of discovering  I have type 2 diabetes, mainly because I am overwieght.But I am overwieght because I have had a cartilage problem since childhood, and knock knees which means that my legs are not straight. Then 3 years ago I had 3 insect bites on my left ankle, the swelling of which aggrevated an achilles tendon injury and a ankle tendon injury causing ongoing difficulty with exercise.

I know I have got myself into this mess and I accept responsability for that, but not of the things that caused me to be in this situation are directly my fault, as I eat possibly too much, to often.
I also do not have people I can go walking with, and don't like doing it on my own, for safety reasons. In  summer 2010 my dog Sassy died and so my daily exercise, which was only 15 mins a day, but was every day. I'd like another dog, but managing one would be difficult, for mum as she is the one is up before me
Probably one of the reasons I don't like going out just to walk on my own, and as I change, things feel more lonely, and as time moves on I feel the threat of yet more change.

I am disappointed in myself that I have allowed this to happen, and that I was not a bit more proactive before now in preventing it, but all I used to get from professionals who I see along the way was advice they would give to anyone neurotypical or otherwise and noone ever took into account my physical limitations with exercise or the isolated lifestyle I live because I  struggle with maintaining the kind of full social life that would help keep my weight down. Most of the social stuff I do involves sitting for long periods. I also enjoy TV. So all these things combine to make life just that added bit more difficult, in a life that is already stressed just by living at times.