feeling Lonely & the pressure of change

As a person on the spectrum in the physical world I am feeling the pressure of change, because other than Mum and this blog there is no one. To talk to about what I am feeling. I don't want to burden mum with these private things. Life is lonelier than I have felt it in the past. I have often felt lonely in the past because I don't find it easy to approach other people and ask for help or friendship. Perhaps it is pride to a certain level, but I don't think so it is more to do with the struggle of having to achieve something I find difficult.Past experiences have caused pain.
It is hard when you are left alone to get on with life, when nobody knows the struggles that are still part of your life and you find it difficult to let people know things when they think you are OK. I have to carry the good things that are part of my life and the changes which are good inevitably impact me because I still have Aspergers to cope with. I feel that other people want me to persue healing, so I can function in their world the same as them, but I don't want to be the same as them I want to be me, as Jesus made me because I like me as I am and I want to do the will of God as he made me, especially as he has told me that this is what he wants.

Happiness and Living with Jesus

As I listen to all the difficult and sad things going on in places like Aleppo, Syria and other stories of death, destruction. I feel more and more thankful for the blessings I have and I am grateful my life is secure in Jesus no matter what happens in the world.
Life and Living is about the freedom to do things and to love others and be loved by others.But so much of what we see freedom to be in the western world, is to do our own thing regardless of whether it interferes with or hurts someone else, causing rifts in relationships, stealing taxes by loopholes in the law, putting these funds in places where they cannot help other people have a better more fulfilled life, which they should be doing.
Jesus stands for the downtrodden, the poor and the broken, who are trodden on by the wealthy, with big egos and no compassion. With Jesus is the only true happiness and peace of mind that there is.
His love, care and compassion makes me wealthier than I ever imagined and I am beginning to see happier than I could ever have imagined. between 19th January and 6th July 2012, I have been in a transition period. It has been hard because I did not really know what was going on but I am coming out of that transition period now and I feel the change in me. I feel different, I feel a strength spiritually which is nothing at all to do with anything I have done for myself, but which I can only attribute to something the Holy Spirit has done in my heart. It has been painful, but it is better now   

Just a quicky to Jesus

I felt I wanted to say to the world that I love Jesus and I want to be the person he created me to be.
Things are moving fast with the kingdom and everything to do with it. I sometimes feel overwhelmed but never the less loved by heaven.

I have the joy of heaven inside me but it does not always show itself, but I want to stand strong and secure in the glory of heaven, and recognise the benefits of living with and letting Jesus rule my life with a gentle hand.

Thoughts about the past& thoughts of a new day

When Dad died in September 1999 one week before his birthday, I was lost, alone and in pain, even though my faith in Jesus was very strong, I had lost more than someone to help me with my computer. I had lost the person who hugged me so strongly and believed in me. Mum is lovely and I am glad to have her, grateful for all she does for me. I love her heaps,but Dad was the one I needed and missed when he went away to London with his job as a physiotherapist/union representative.
11 years on, life has moved forward but I still feel the gap left, when Dad was no longer with us.
For some reason that I am not entirely sure of, I have been more aware of  this in the last few weeks.
So much has happened kingdom wise and I am not the same person I was when all this happened, but I still feel the gap and in many ways I will always feel that gap, because that hug from my dad will always be missed. I have to focus on Jesus and the facts of his death on the cross, because I know he understands.

It is strange when I think of all I have been through in the last 11year, the dreams that I held on to so strongly which have changed into something new, or became what they were always meant to be.
I have felt the insecurity of not knowing what my calling is, when previously I thought I knew exactly what it was. The fact of being single at 45 has been brought to the forfront of my thoughts after listening to a talk on Premier Christian Radio last evening. I would not say it was a pain in the sense of being left childless, as I have never felt I would be good at the job of parenting, but the loneliness of not sharing life with someone special does begin to feel difficult as I get older. Having the diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome was a release and also an explaination for what I felt, but it did not explain why I have ended up at 45 and on my own. Yes, I've not made any effort to look, because it was too hard to make the effort and figure out what was going on.

I still dream dreams and hope for the fulfilment of God's plan for my life. I dream of changing the world but I need to change first and only God can change me. The journey is mine and his had on my life is what will change it. I still feel the worry for the future when Mum is gone, How will I cope on my own, but really I can only trust God to see me through. I don't find this easy to do but I try to be all I should be.