When Dad died in September 1999 one week before his birthday, I was lost, alone and in pain, even though my faith in Jesus was very strong, I had lost more than someone to help me with my computer. I had lost the person who hugged me so strongly and believed in me. Mum is lovely and I am glad to have her, grateful for all she does for me. I love her heaps,but Dad was the one I needed and missed when he went away to London with his job as a physiotherapist/union representative.
11 years on, life has moved forward but I still feel the gap left, when Dad was no longer with us.
For some reason that I am not entirely sure of, I have been more aware of this in the last few weeks.
So much has happened kingdom wise and I am not the same person I was when all this happened, but I still feel the gap and in many ways I will always feel that gap, because that hug from my dad will always be missed. I have to focus on Jesus and the facts of his death on the cross, because I know he understands.
It is strange when I think of all I have been through in the last 11year, the dreams that I held on to so strongly which have changed into something new, or became what they were always meant to be.
I have felt the insecurity of not knowing what my calling is, when previously I thought I knew exactly what it was. The fact of being single at 45 has been brought to the forfront of my thoughts after listening to a talk on Premier Christian Radio last evening. I would not say it was a pain in the sense of being left childless, as I have never felt I would be good at the job of parenting, but the loneliness of not sharing life with someone special does begin to feel difficult as I get older. Having the diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome was a release and also an explaination for what I felt, but it did not explain why I have ended up at 45 and on my own. Yes, I've not made any effort to look, because it was too hard to make the effort and figure out what was going on.
I still dream dreams and hope for the fulfilment of God's plan for my life. I dream of changing the world but I need to change first and only God can change me. The journey is mine and his had on my life is what will change it. I still feel the worry for the future when Mum is gone, How will I cope on my own, but really I can only trust God to see me through. I don't find this easy to do but I try to be all I should be.
11 years on, life has moved forward but I still feel the gap left, when Dad was no longer with us.
For some reason that I am not entirely sure of, I have been more aware of this in the last few weeks.
So much has happened kingdom wise and I am not the same person I was when all this happened, but I still feel the gap and in many ways I will always feel that gap, because that hug from my dad will always be missed. I have to focus on Jesus and the facts of his death on the cross, because I know he understands.
It is strange when I think of all I have been through in the last 11year, the dreams that I held on to so strongly which have changed into something new, or became what they were always meant to be.
I have felt the insecurity of not knowing what my calling is, when previously I thought I knew exactly what it was. The fact of being single at 45 has been brought to the forfront of my thoughts after listening to a talk on Premier Christian Radio last evening. I would not say it was a pain in the sense of being left childless, as I have never felt I would be good at the job of parenting, but the loneliness of not sharing life with someone special does begin to feel difficult as I get older. Having the diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome was a release and also an explaination for what I felt, but it did not explain why I have ended up at 45 and on my own. Yes, I've not made any effort to look, because it was too hard to make the effort and figure out what was going on.
I still dream dreams and hope for the fulfilment of God's plan for my life. I dream of changing the world but I need to change first and only God can change me. The journey is mine and his had on my life is what will change it. I still feel the worry for the future when Mum is gone, How will I cope on my own, but really I can only trust God to see me through. I don't find this easy to do but I try to be all I should be.
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