My one and only closest friend is Jesus, and although I find this difficult at times, it is far easier than understanding what others require of me. I think that up till now I have tried to be the nicest,most accommodating type of person, and hung on too tightly to the idea of finding a friendship, or expecting a friendship, and feeling upset at times when I realise I don't have one.
A friendship with another person would be nice but, it is not essential to living, if people don't understand me that is not my fault, I am just being me, and not having a close friendship has defined me, at some points throughout my life. I cannot continue to keep putting my life on hold, hoping that I have friend who I can travel with, do things with. I have come to the realisation that I am wasting parts of my life, not living a wholly abundant life because in my head I keep thinking that I will meet someone who wants to spend time with me outside of meetings and church things.
That I would have someone to share life with from time to time, but I don't even have that, so I have retreated into the lifestyle I have right now (18-09-2014).
Just because I don't know how to negotiate these things, does not mean that I would not be a good friend to anyone. I would always be accommodating, if people said that something needed to happen, but so often people will just cut me off in conversation( I realise she had things to do, and she was busy, but a few seconds more was all I needed and I would not have had that sinking feeling, that goes with people behaving like that) like R.A did at I.C&PKD conference, that happens so often and makes life really hard. Perhaps all she can see is my limitations, but I want to be seen as Papa God sees me, as a person he entrusts with things. I see myself now as I am in heaven and it is beautiful, I now know I can fight for myself and the Kingdom of heaven, but I cannot do it separately or on my own, I need to be part of the team. I don't always want people to treat me as I am here in the natural.
I have wisdom in me but no place to give that out, I have the prophetic in me and I do have place to give that out. I truly, madly, deeply, deeply deeply want to move froward with Jesus, into the new way which is the old way. Years ago I saw myself in the new day and I have battled, against people who said you will never do that, or you are not hearing Jesus right, and maybe I wasn't but I needed to find out walking with Jesus, and I know I have not seen it yet. I am getting there it is close, but not yet.
The dreams I hold in my heart are maybe not with COBH, but I need to have the opportunity to find that out because they seem to ignore me just because I have Aspergers, or that is how it feels.
A friendship with another person would be nice but, it is not essential to living, if people don't understand me that is not my fault, I am just being me, and not having a close friendship has defined me, at some points throughout my life. I cannot continue to keep putting my life on hold, hoping that I have friend who I can travel with, do things with. I have come to the realisation that I am wasting parts of my life, not living a wholly abundant life because in my head I keep thinking that I will meet someone who wants to spend time with me outside of meetings and church things.
That I would have someone to share life with from time to time, but I don't even have that, so I have retreated into the lifestyle I have right now (18-09-2014).
Just because I don't know how to negotiate these things, does not mean that I would not be a good friend to anyone. I would always be accommodating, if people said that something needed to happen, but so often people will just cut me off in conversation( I realise she had things to do, and she was busy, but a few seconds more was all I needed and I would not have had that sinking feeling, that goes with people behaving like that) like R.A did at I.C&PKD conference, that happens so often and makes life really hard. Perhaps all she can see is my limitations, but I want to be seen as Papa God sees me, as a person he entrusts with things. I see myself now as I am in heaven and it is beautiful, I now know I can fight for myself and the Kingdom of heaven, but I cannot do it separately or on my own, I need to be part of the team. I don't always want people to treat me as I am here in the natural.
I have wisdom in me but no place to give that out, I have the prophetic in me and I do have place to give that out. I truly, madly, deeply, deeply deeply want to move froward with Jesus, into the new way which is the old way. Years ago I saw myself in the new day and I have battled, against people who said you will never do that, or you are not hearing Jesus right, and maybe I wasn't but I needed to find out walking with Jesus, and I know I have not seen it yet. I am getting there it is close, but not yet.
The dreams I hold in my heart are maybe not with COBH, but I need to have the opportunity to find that out because they seem to ignore me just because I have Aspergers, or that is how it feels.
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