I don't want to be left at the end of my life, thinking that I have not lived life well and had an abundant life in Papa God's terms not mine.Because right now I do not feel I am, as a human being I have been defined by the fact that I do not have 9-5 job (perhaps in my own head/ but idea placed there) but I work through my days, even if they are not full days.
I feel the need for full acceptance of who I am, within the body of COBH, because I still battle with the idea that I am not accepted as I am,because if I was then things would be different or if I am then abandon me to get on with it, because I don't fit in with things.
I want to learn from people like Janey , justin and rachel, but they don't ever ask me to come round like they did in the past, but I don't feel as though they understand me or think that I am open to that.
The thing is that my deepest desire was for healing, and I litterally pestered God for years, wasting his time and mine, because when I eventually asked him what he wanted for me, he told me in very clear terms that.
What I am going to do is going to be done as is, how he made me.
That actually how he made me, is I was made shaped for heaven, as are many or all people like me, they just need to find Jesus. So I want to be accepted as I am, with the door open to papa God to heal if and when the time is right. The ball is in his court now.
So what I think I have been saying is that to achieve the freedom, I have in Jesus, I need to untangle my life from the need for friends that never transpire or the desire to be accepted by others when they don't know or understand what is going on in my head or my heart.
Also I can say with absolute truth, that any time I went to see people in authority in church either in the past or more recent times, I was asking because Jesus had said something or I knew something the Holy Spirit
had said to me needed to pass on and I never went with pompousity, but rather with innocence and humiity, as I was never highly regarded by most people who did not know me well(not a problem in gracegate). And yet I was pummelled down so often, that trust may still be an issue but if people keep yanking at the wound, even if they don't realise, they are part of the problem, but how to approach someone you trust, but still feel the tiniest bit uncertain about.
Papa Help me, Please.
I feel the need for full acceptance of who I am, within the body of COBH, because I still battle with the idea that I am not accepted as I am,because if I was then things would be different or if I am then abandon me to get on with it, because I don't fit in with things.
I want to learn from people like Janey , justin and rachel, but they don't ever ask me to come round like they did in the past, but I don't feel as though they understand me or think that I am open to that.
The thing is that my deepest desire was for healing, and I litterally pestered God for years, wasting his time and mine, because when I eventually asked him what he wanted for me, he told me in very clear terms that.
What I am going to do is going to be done as is, how he made me.
That actually how he made me, is I was made shaped for heaven, as are many or all people like me, they just need to find Jesus. So I want to be accepted as I am, with the door open to papa God to heal if and when the time is right. The ball is in his court now.
So what I think I have been saying is that to achieve the freedom, I have in Jesus, I need to untangle my life from the need for friends that never transpire or the desire to be accepted by others when they don't know or understand what is going on in my head or my heart.
Also I can say with absolute truth, that any time I went to see people in authority in church either in the past or more recent times, I was asking because Jesus had said something or I knew something the Holy Spirit
had said to me needed to pass on and I never went with pompousity, but rather with innocence and humiity, as I was never highly regarded by most people who did not know me well(not a problem in gracegate). And yet I was pummelled down so often, that trust may still be an issue but if people keep yanking at the wound, even if they don't realise, they are part of the problem, but how to approach someone you trust, but still feel the tiniest bit uncertain about.
Papa Help me, Please.
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