Tuesday, 19 May 2015

I count myself as a person of no reputation

I have never seen myself as a person of reputation, and I don't understand why people treat me as if I do. I have never looked for position, or thought myself to be better than anyone else, maybe even I have thought less of myself in terms of reputation or confidence. I have often found it hard to value myself, and feel worthy of other people's confidence in me.
The only reputation I have is the reputation that heaven has placed on me, the only reputation I fully desire is seeing people's lives changed through me.
My only desire was to see the fulfilment of my call, to see my future and step into it, for heaven to be seen in me.
I know nothing about what is ahead for me, as far as detail is concerned,but the only reputation I have is where God has placed me.
The battles against the darkness of suicidal feelings, the incessant and unremitting bullying, the escape to a place of security and rest both in the natural and the supernatural.
My life in the natural has taught me to count myself of no reputation, as my walk with Jesus has taught me I am worthy of his love, worthy of his kingdom, because of the blood he shed on the cross.

I know I am worthy of position under the covering of Jesus' reputation, and I have always felt in the lower place, but it is not always easy to demonstrate, because of the difficulties I have. I have realised why I struggled with the concept of the door in the floor, and taking the lower place because I am the one who was there in the lowest place, often feeling abandoned not in the home but outside.
I don't think I ever looked for reputation although there are some who feel that I do.
I want to be the person who loves Jesus and rests under his reputation.

I see heaven and I want to see it on earth, but I am not desiring fame or the high place, but the walk of Jesus along the ancient paths, to touch the land and change it, to touch the people and change them.

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