From the day I walked into the kingdom, all I ever wanted was Jesus to shine from me and have the glory for all he has done in my life. There is a desire in my heart for friendship and community, and I try from time to time to make contact with other people in conversation at gatherings and these are not always successful.
I go to company of burning hearts Gatherings and I enjoy them, but because I find it difficult with conversation and approaching people I don't appear friendly and people do not know me.
I am me as God created me and he is happy with me as I am,but sometimes I still have the feeling right or wrong that people see I am different, but don't want to know. I am not looking for fame or recognition. I am out to change things for people like me.
I have always desired friendship and acceptance just as I am and I get that with people who know me, but close friendship with other people still eludes me, and I find this gets a little more difficult to deal with as time moves on and mum gets older. Will I still be isolated in 20 years time? Will I still be single in 5,10,20 years time.
I always wanted friends and it mattered to me, but emotionally I was very disconnected from friends and they failed through circumstances, as well as my lack of skill in managing these relationships. In 12 days I will be 46 and yet again another year has passed where I have felt lonely most of it.
I am not complaining about this as I know I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for in my life, but loneliness and lack of friendship is hard, because how will I cope when it is just me.
I feel the loneliness of noone to go places with, the possibility of holidays with a companion, but maybe I was never cut out for friendship, other than the most important relationship with Jesus. So maybe I need to trust him, that when people don't know who I am, it is a reminder that he is in me and he should be seen more than me.
My heart for marriage has never been confirmed and I have never sort it because I don't know how,and I desire to find fruition of that picture of 24years ago. It is not about me, it is all about him, but I need to be allowed to do the things he asks of me, and that I need help of the community around me. I cannot do it on my own, I need people working with me, if I am to reach the goal.
I go to company of burning hearts Gatherings and I enjoy them, but because I find it difficult with conversation and approaching people I don't appear friendly and people do not know me.
I am me as God created me and he is happy with me as I am,but sometimes I still have the feeling right or wrong that people see I am different, but don't want to know. I am not looking for fame or recognition. I am out to change things for people like me.
I have always desired friendship and acceptance just as I am and I get that with people who know me, but close friendship with other people still eludes me, and I find this gets a little more difficult to deal with as time moves on and mum gets older. Will I still be isolated in 20 years time? Will I still be single in 5,10,20 years time.
I always wanted friends and it mattered to me, but emotionally I was very disconnected from friends and they failed through circumstances, as well as my lack of skill in managing these relationships. In 12 days I will be 46 and yet again another year has passed where I have felt lonely most of it.
I am not complaining about this as I know I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for in my life, but loneliness and lack of friendship is hard, because how will I cope when it is just me.
I feel the loneliness of noone to go places with, the possibility of holidays with a companion, but maybe I was never cut out for friendship, other than the most important relationship with Jesus. So maybe I need to trust him, that when people don't know who I am, it is a reminder that he is in me and he should be seen more than me.
My heart for marriage has never been confirmed and I have never sort it because I don't know how,and I desire to find fruition of that picture of 24years ago. It is not about me, it is all about him, but I need to be allowed to do the things he asks of me, and that I need help of the community around me. I cannot do it on my own, I need people working with me, if I am to reach the goal.
No comments:
Post a Comment