Questions,P.T.S.D and the past part 3

Hopes and dreams have died and risen again, disappointments have come and gone with a repetitive frequency greater than the average I suspect, But always there was Jesus. The Bible says you will have troubles in this world, so that is what I accepted would be, because I had no measure as a child of what I was worth or what I should expect as treatment from those around. I think looking back I did not value myself very highly, because I was not meeting the demands required of me, and mostly felt incapable of doing so, but had great trouble in expressing this to anyone, so never did, even if I had realised or understood that doing so may have been possible.
Of course as I had experiences that were good as an adult, like going to further education college and then later Universtiy. These experiences brought the many negative aspects of the past, as well as the ongoing into sharp focus, because I realised that I was not stupid, that I could prove to myself and all the people who had been nasty or unkind to me, with or without knowledge that I was not defined by the way I was treated, BUT I was damaged by the continuous onslaught of people's wrong judgements about behaviour.
It is hard for anyone to understand what it is like to be viewed  by others, where you feel like they see you from the outside and have no clue what is going on in the inside.
ALL my experiences of Careers /Job centre interviews have have been bad, but for a short period with one disability advisor, but even she could not stop some of the front line staff doing things that were on the computer not to do.
Looking back it was a nightmare and this revelation after the ESA50 experience, is why I am refusing to go to the Job centre because I now realise what it was like for me and how stressful and upsetting  it was, especially after Dad died because he had been the one to come with me, and again for a short time I went on my own. But it is during this time that I had a problem with the bus turning up, it didn't so I had to wait.
I was then late, and had to run from the old bus station in Newport, to the job centre, about 1/4 to 1/2 mile.
I was probably 2 mins  for my late 2.00pm appointment to sign on and they said because I had missed my slot I would have wait for 4-00 pm. I tried to explain that the bus had not come on time, but they virtually pushed me out the door and would not let me in, I was upset and in tears, as I was always close to extreme emotion, so I rang mum and she contacted the nice Disability Advisor who sorted out for me to be let in earlier, I don't remember if it was the same day, but I think it was the person seeing me that day said her son had the same as me and was able to work, this would have been after my ASD diagnosis.So after that Mum attended with me, and made sure all was OK. I realise no one likes going to the Job centre, BUT for me it is beyond liking or disliking, it is a place that the thought of scares me right now and putting myself in a place where I am open to abuse, would be considered stupid, by anyone with any sense, I have found my sense at last and I refuse to lay myself open to the possibility, because all the wonderful ideas and good intentions of government bodies have to be proved to be true before I will go and expereince the Job centre again.

Questions,P.T.S.D and the past part 2

This has all been lived with Jesus walking beside me, but I only know this looking back there were periods when I felt alone even though I believed the contrary.
It is hard to describe what it felt like sometimes, but I was not as aware of who I was in it all, as I am now.
I just let things happen, because I had no idea that I should stop them. But was different regarding things that I knew were wrong, I did my best to resist the onslaught if it was going to damage me.
For the majority of the rest of my life I had to live with and do the best I could with what I had, having no help, no acceptance of the struggles I was secretly facing and only having Jesus, and animals as my confidantes. Having these meant I survived and at times lived life well, but I never felt secure outside the home, without family with me, because I knew the dangers of people who made judgements based on what they saw on the outside with me and did not actually ask what if anything was going on inside. Whether at school, at the Job centre or anywhere else.
I find it really interesting about the interest in making life easier for people with Alshiemers disease, I am really pleased they are doing this for these people, BUT I recognise that low light, low noise and people trained to assist should this be needed, are things that would make life easier for families of children with autism, Adults on the spectrum and other people with problems affected by noise or light. I would certainly help me, because although I am not greatly affected by noise or light in the way others are, the extra stimulation of a supermarket means I rarely go with mum, accept for shopping before Christmas to get the treats I am allowed to have.
The stamina I had in the past was not great but it has been greatly lessened by the blood disease and type 2 diabetes. The thought of coping with all that and a  job, is just beyond me and beyond mum really as she had to wake me in time for me to drive down the road about a mile and half ? to get to the last job I ever had, and which got me the ASD diagnosis in 2005.
venturing out is a rare thing for me not because I am afraid, but because I am just so tired that it is a struggle to get anything done. When I do make an effort to do more I find I cannot do more the next day, or very little the next day, and the tiredness gets worse the nearer I get to needing to have may blood taken.
Doing a job was all I did when I had one, as I was too tired to enjoy life and get sustenance from doing nice things, as I was too tired. The reason all my jobs failed was demands I could not meet and feeling that life was not being lived or enjoyed, but it was a trauma even when from the outside looking in things seemed to be going well they were not especially near the end of the job.     

Questions, P.T.S.D and the past

Everyone is now talking about Mental health because Prince's William, harry and duchess of Cambridge "Heads Together" campaign and I am glad that this is becoming a focus to prevent those with mental health issues suffering in silence.
When the Health care professional at my ESA 50 assessment asked the question "Who looks after my mental health? I tried to answer that my issue was not a mental health one, as such, because I have Asperger Syndrome/ASD/Dyslexia. I get mental health problems from the stress of having to cope in a job, having demands placed on me which I cannot fulfil. Struggling achieve the demands of school, workplace, and at times home, alongside being continuously bullied from infant school right through to the end of my schooling.
The  bullying did not end there either, at the job centre in various places I was bullied however benignly into many situations I knew would be hard for me.
So when I went to the assessment last year, and that question was asked. I have to say it was a stupid question and showed the ignorance about and lack of training in regard to people like myself who have an ASD.
I was told by professionals at the Job centre ,10 years ago that finding a job/work place for me was  impossible because of the many very specific problem I have because of the combination of ASD/Dyslexia/Dyscalculia, so I have not had tremendous issues with mental health because for 10 years, as demands have not been placed on me, as I live with my mum and could not even consider living on my own.
Right now the P.T.S.D from all the trauma of living with the continuous abuse and bullying which has continued at points right through my Adult life, as well as through childhood, teens and twenties.
In fact the ESA50 assessment felt as if I am being bullied again, as I was not given time to answer the questions properly, and some questions I did not know how to answer and many other such things which made the whole experience traumatic and very upsetting.
It brought extreme heartache, pain back to the surface.
Just because I seem capable, does not mean that I am able, and the bullying from an unseen foe is harder to bare because, I knew who was bullying me physically, I could see them the possibility of getting away for a break, in another place, was there always and there was a bit more safety in the classroom, or the workroom, because break times were hard.
Throughout all of this there has been loss and bereavement of dreams and hopes, as well as ideas that died along the way because of wrong labels. The wrong labels were stupid, naught, ignorant, awkward. The right label was ASD, and when I was asked about my mental health, another label that is wrong, maybe not totally, but in many ways wrong, and maybe why I reacted so badly. 

The ebb and flow of life as a battle

My dreams for the life I have have changed many times over the years and the last 3 months have made the future for me, a little or maybe very different from the one I imagined.
From the day I came into this world it has been a battle. Over the years this battle has ebbed and flowed, along paths feeling suicidal, while at other times not so much.
Life and living with Jesus has enabled me to survive the rigours of unkindness from other people, to find a voice that comes from my heart, but is connected to my friend Jesus at a very deep level.
My voice wants to cry out to the authorities that manage benefits, that what they are doing is wrong, they are forcing people into situations that will not save money in the end, unless people kill themselves.
But who and what are they destroying, while doing that. Having to justify my existence, feeling like part of  an underclass.
These were similar ideas of a time during the 20th Century which for us in the U.K ended well after a 5 year world battle. But Millions died because men decided that their existence could not be justified. People would argue it is different now but things are still being allowed to happen in Eritrea, Sudan, South Sudan, whether it war, and ensuing famine, or being unkind and bullying the most vulnerable in our own nation.
Who knows what the least person contributes to our society. Perhaps the way we look after them would put us in a better place, as a group of nations. Being more and more unkind to those who deserve our best care will ultimately show the kind of nation we are.
Many people deny that the holocaust never happened, I am not one of them. I know with all my heart that what happened then, could happen again, I can feel it and recognise the signs.
I know in my heart that Europe will fall and unless we stop  the way we are behaving, over brexit and the xenophobia and antisemitic feeling will grow, then guaranteed it would or could happen again.
As the far right rise up in the rest of Europe a situation that does make me a little afraid, but what is it going to do to me, WELL I stand in a time and a place that is different, I am part of the Daniel Generation, and the future is in my heart and the heart of God, for now.
We can imagine all kinds of nice things will happen, but as the sons we need to start doing something effective, that has wisdom from heaven. That is God's heart for the nations of the world. The time is very near when we stop talking and learning and actually doing the things that we are called to do. Finding out what God wants, finding out our destiny and the destiny of the places we live, including the gov of heaven.

Day One USA:The story now starts

For the Glory of the Heaven's, For the Glory of The Earth

For the Glory of the Heavens

Where My Papa God makes His Home.

The Glory of His children

Is that the sons they are may roam.

For the Glory of the Earth

So battered by the Human Race

The Glory of His children 

Is it's Healing to embrace.

The Glory of the Heaven's as made by God

Is not for man to travel in man made way

But to come and love their creator who gave 

access another way.

Many have accessed from the evil way

But there is no fake with out the truth beside.

As more people accept my Papa God and His son Jesus

The veil that was ripped in two 

The reality of Heaven and The Glory of the sons

Will be the revealer's of  the Glory of heaven and Earth.

This is the call on all who love Jesus and walk with him, to walk with God in the dark cloud and change the land. Bring Heaven to Earth, as the line in the Lord's Prayer "As it is in Heaven, So shall it be on Earth. This has always been our calling as children of the King, but in this time as the United States of America has a new President. We are going to have to show God's Glory in the earth. As we see him in heaven, so shall we do on Earth

Friday 6th January - Happy New Year 2017

As we are still in the first week of 2017, I want to wish anyone who might read this a Happy New Year, with the blessings and dreams you hope for from heaven, as well as those that come with maybe's.
We have to learn how to manage our gifts and talents and understand how God wants us to use them.
On New Year's Night, I watched the animated film frozen - Elsa, Anna, Christoph, Sven and Olaf.
The message was loud and clear that Elsa had been given a gift which seemed more of a curse, because she had to learn to use it.
But eventually she learned that the way to manage it was through LOVE for those around her, not getting angry and allowing it to work in chaos, as was the case as she was growing up.

This new year holds some very interesting potential for growth and moving on with what heaven wants of me, indeed the whole body of the church and those who really love and serve Heaven.
God is on the move in the Land and he has things he wants to happen and certain things in place, so that the whole body can move on to the next step in the ongoing journey towards eternity and the change from the things that are happening now in the world.

It is our confidence in him, Papa God, that provides the security, that whatever happens  we will be OK with him. That confidence has grown over the last year and is one of the conundrums of life with Jesus, pain, illness, suffering seems to be the currency of heaven, we get blessings, when we suffer, they may not be apparent at the time in which you suffer, and it does not seem nice or kind to those who do not understand.
I myself am only beginning to understand about this at the age of 50, having been walking with Jesus as my saviour since the age of 13.
Every person has a storehouse that they save into through suffering, but that storehouse needs you to love, others and look after them, be kind, compassionate and considerate. This being the basis of serving Jesus and heaven means that many people who would not declare themselves Christian may one day get a surprise.  
Anyhow I am glad that I have managed the first entry to this blog for 2017.
I hope to write more this year than I did in 2016, as I had alot of ill health, with parts of my body.
I am believing for a better freer year this year and I look forward to the new things coming my way, as well as continuation of ongoing aspects of previous years.

Christmas Day is here.BUT

Everything is done and ready, I laid the table  during Christmas eve and all preparation are under way.  It is a time of the year I enjoy because it is the end of the year and the beginning of another, in a week's time.
I say Happy Christmas to anyone who reads this blog of mine and hope you have a very wonderful new year in 2017.

There are sad things going on for many families this year around Christmas and it is my prayer for all that there will be some comfort found in the middle of chaos and sadness.

Ich bien Berliner, I stand with the families of those killed in berlin a few days ago and the loss and tragedy that this one act during the Christmas period has left people holding memories and losses.
My heart stands with all of them and the pain that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives.
Many many people have had to live with the results of terrorism for many centuries. It is not a new thing but it has changed down the ages, a sword could kill in the right hands, but it could only kill one at a time.

Progress and technology have added to the arsenal that is available to those who want to kill.
We are told that people are now doing this, because the intepretation of thier belief say it benefits them in the after life. I don't know about that but it makes for a world of destruction, with no purpose other than to fullfill the deep held hatred, that comes from no other place than the pit of hell.
None of us in the world know what went on in History, many told lies and exaggerated as victor's and from the way they saw things from their point of view, the only person in the whole of the universe who knows the truth of history is God and it is his knowledge.

News papers, news channels think they have the truth, but it will only be the truth of the individual or the group, as they see it and there are many groups in this world who see themselves as right, but only as they see it.
Jesus came to give us the chance to put things right and that chance is available to every person on the whole of this planet we call Earth. What a day it will be when hundreds come into the kingdom of our Father God who is the one and only person who loves us all.
But we all need to recognise it and change for the future.