Hopes and dreams

As a young person aged 13 I had dreams and hopes for the future. I achieved one of my dreams by going to University. But as I have written in earlier entries I found some of my future dreams disappear with the diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome in May 2005.

I coped with that because I had to, as it is something I had from birth I had had it all my life. But because of this in 2006, I was recommended by the JOB Centre to go on benefit, because they themselves could not find a job for me, and I had tried really hard to find a job that did not end because I could not cope with the demands they made, which I  was unable to meet.

The last 7 years have been a little easier, without the often unbearable stress of work, and money was a little easier. But along with many people in my position, and others with more difficult lives than me. I am beginning to feel the strain and nothing has happened, only the cost of living going up ridiculously.
A boots basket I used to get for £30-00, is now £70-00 or £80-00.

My knowledge of Jesus and his love for me is the thing that stops me going over the edge. But I am feeling the loneliness already of what may come in the future, mainly because I don't know anyone who is a close flesh and blood person.
I have been reluctant to pursue this in my life, because I felt that people were never content to know me for me as I am, they suggested healing. People around me who I love dearly talked about healing. As an older teenager I spent many hours praying for healing of what was wrong with me, when I was aware enough to feel capable of prayer, so when people, suggested healing I was somewhat feeling the pain of feeling I was not good enough as I was. Also the fact that people still don't make an effort to approach me makes me feel I am not good enough.

I still find it really hard to walk up to people I don't know, and it has got harder since I was ill in 2004.
My experience of 2012 so far has not been a wholly good one, and I feel the loneliness, because I have been ill with a nasty flu, which has laid me low.

My Hopes and dreams were travel, ministry changing things but changing my own circumstances is not in my control, it is in the hands of Papa God. The money I have is his money, everything I have is his and he is in control, so whatever happens, happens as I walk with him, but I still feel a Little scared.