For large portions of my life, I struggled to live in the present and enjoy it, because life was hard to live, when I did not know why I was bullied, why I found school and learning so difficult. Years later when I went to F.E. college I was able to live in the moment and enjoy the time I spent there. The same was true for going to University at Caerleon, near my Home, I was able to live in the present and focus on the here and now. In the years since college 18 years ago I have had periods where I have found it hard to live in the moment sometimes, because I have a high IQ and I tend to feel I am not using it. This can change how I feel about myself and my identity. Holding down a job has been an issue for me, because of having Aspergers, Finding peace takes real effort, and living with the anxiety of everyday living, this has something to do with trust of other people, and nothing to do with my faith in Jesus to look after me, actually I think I would not go to big conferences or stand up to speak at meetings, without the trust I have in Jesus.
I trust Jesus to the utmost in my life, but the anxiety that is experienced by me, is not like the anxiety of depression, it is more to do with the fact that whatever helps other people cope with stress or difficulties, is missing in me, I would just be able to cope, mostly day to day, if the demand to achieve was at a level I could manage, but ask me to do more and I would loose my ability to function and I would panic, the result being flight from the source of the need to achieve.
This was nothing to do with being lazy or not wanting to work, I just cannot do more than I am capable of, even with intelligence, which has nothing to do with it.
I think that my difficulty in living in the moment, unless I actively choose that in my mind, is why I have problems. Working life stretches out in front of me and made me panic, and the working day a smaller chunk of time,which I could cope with, then became bigger, because I had to achieve more and it became part of the bigger chunk of my working life which made things harder and caused the panic. When I could achieve a day's work and it was manageable that was OK, but if I could not finish the work for that day, I would have to roll it over, and I could not cope with that.
My identity rests in Jesus regardless of whether I have autism or not, and my ability to have a traditional 9 to 5 job, is not part of my identity. But I work campaigning for autism and I do creative projects that take time and effort.
I am not lazy I just have a different identity to the majority, and I hope that things will change, but for now I am living in the moment.
I trust Jesus to the utmost in my life, but the anxiety that is experienced by me, is not like the anxiety of depression, it is more to do with the fact that whatever helps other people cope with stress or difficulties, is missing in me, I would just be able to cope, mostly day to day, if the demand to achieve was at a level I could manage, but ask me to do more and I would loose my ability to function and I would panic, the result being flight from the source of the need to achieve.
This was nothing to do with being lazy or not wanting to work, I just cannot do more than I am capable of, even with intelligence, which has nothing to do with it.
I think that my difficulty in living in the moment, unless I actively choose that in my mind, is why I have problems. Working life stretches out in front of me and made me panic, and the working day a smaller chunk of time,which I could cope with, then became bigger, because I had to achieve more and it became part of the bigger chunk of my working life which made things harder and caused the panic. When I could achieve a day's work and it was manageable that was OK, but if I could not finish the work for that day, I would have to roll it over, and I could not cope with that.
My identity rests in Jesus regardless of whether I have autism or not, and my ability to have a traditional 9 to 5 job, is not part of my identity. But I work campaigning for autism and I do creative projects that take time and effort.
I am not lazy I just have a different identity to the majority, and I hope that things will change, but for now I am living in the moment.
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